Author Topic: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.  (Read 42860 times)

DynamicPerception

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #10 on: June 20, 2016, 08:18:39 AM »
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his  way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels .
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
  'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
  'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
   Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
   1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
   2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
   3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black
      belt in karate.
   4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
      weight lifter.
   5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
   Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that
   blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
  'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'


adesigar

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #11 on: June 20, 2016, 08:51:31 AM »
A little joke about the difference between Israelis (Jews) and Germans.

So an Israeli guy is driving on the Freeway in Germany, and he misses his exit. The solution here is obviously going into reverse, so he backs up and a old german guy bumps into him, gets out of the car screaming in German, then calls the police. The police go talk to the old German guy, and after a few minutes they come to the Israeli guy, signaling he can go.

Wait, said the Israeli guy, what's going on? Forget about it, said the policeman, the old guy has gone completely crazy, he thought you were backing up on the freeway :)

Silly Germans.

I know someone who did precisely that. Missed exit on the freeway so backed up and took the exit.

Jurgis

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #12 on: June 20, 2016, 09:06:54 AM »
I know someone who did precisely that. Missed exit on the freeway so backed up and took the exit.

A person I know did this and was stopped for it. Apparently, this is not even a ticket - it's misdemeanor. Or maybe the cop was just trying to scare them. YMMV. Possibly considered https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reckless_driving ( may depend on the state ).
« Last Edit: June 20, 2016, 09:10:23 AM by Jurgis »
"Before you can be rich, you must be poor." - Nef Anyo

doughishere

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #13 on: June 20, 2016, 09:38:44 AM »
I know someone who did precisely that. Missed exit on the freeway so backed up and took the exit.

A person I know did this and was stopped for it. Apparently, this is not even a ticket - it's misdemeanor. Or maybe the cop was just trying to scare them. YMMV. Possibly considered https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reckless_driving ( may depend on the state ).

Well thats no fun...i need to get to work.

(2) knowingly drives a vehicle and uses an incline in a roadway, such as a railroad crossing, bridge approach, or hill, to cause the vehicle to become airborne.


Class A misdemeanor in Illinois. So, about the same as aggravated assault.
« Last Edit: June 20, 2016, 09:40:34 AM by doughishere »

boilermaker75

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #14 on: June 20, 2016, 11:27:44 AM »
A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,

"I can't take this, you're my friend."
But the blonde insisted saying,
"No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said

"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied

"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"

writser

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #15 on: June 20, 2016, 12:05:05 PM »
In Holland we like to make fun of Belgians instead of blondes (even though they play soccer currently and we don't). Here are a couple of terrible jokes. I hope they aren't lost in translation.

A Belgian, German and Dutchie are caught smuggling drugs into North Korea. Sentence: death by firing squad. On the first day the German smuggler is placed before the firing squad. He yells: "Watch out, tornado!". The firing squad runs for cover and he manages to escape. A few days later the Dutch smuggler is placed before the firing squad. He yells: "Tsunami!". The firing squad flees into their bunker and the Dutchie manages to escape. The next day the Belgian has to appear before the firing squad. "Wait a second, I think I can do that too", he thinks, and then yells "Fire!".

A Belgian guy calls the Guinness book of records office and says: "Listen, I think I should be in your book. I just solved a very difficult puzzle. Thousand pieces and it took me only three weeks.". The guy on the line asks him incredulously: "Why on earth do you think that is so special?". "Well", the Belgian replies, "The box said 6 to 9 years".

Three Belgians ride a car through the red light district. The driver sees a nice girl and asks her: "how much?". She replies: "50 euro, or 100 in the rear". The Belgian guy in the back seat opens his window and says: "hey, why do I have to pay double!".

A Belgian, German and Dutch guy are at a magical swimming pool. As you jump in you can say something and the swimming pool will be filled accordingly. First, the German guy jump of the spring board and says "Girls!". He jumps into a pool filled with girls, marries one of them and lives happily ever after. Then the Dutch guy jumps and says "Money!". The pool is filled with banknotes and the Dutchie goes home a rich man. Finally the Belgian guy climbs on the spring board, takes a few steps, trips over his own legs, stumbles and says: "Oh shit".
When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It's only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.

doughishere

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #16 on: June 20, 2016, 07:17:08 PM »
A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,

"I can't take this, you're my friend."
But the blonde insisted saying,
"No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said

"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied

"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"

Zing!

doughishere

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #17 on: June 20, 2016, 07:19:40 PM »
In Holland we like to make fun of Belgians instead of blondes (even though they play soccer currently and we don't). Here are a couple of terrible jokes. I hope they aren't lost in translation.

A Belgian, German and Dutchie are caught smuggling drugs into North Korea. Sentence: death by firing squad. On the first day the German smuggler is placed before the firing squad. He yells: "Watch out, tornado!". The firing squad runs for cover and he manages to escape. A few days later the Dutch smuggler is placed before the firing squad. He yells: "Tsunami!". The firing squad flees into their bunker and the Dutchie manages to escape. The next day the Belgian has to appear before the firing squad. "Wait a second, I think I can do that too", he thinks, and then yells "Fire!".

A Belgian guy calls the Guinness book of records office and says: "Listen, I think I should be in your book. I just solved a very difficult puzzle. Thousand pieces and it took me only three weeks.". The guy on the line asks him incredulously: "Why on earth do you think that is so special?". "Well", the Belgian replies, "The box said 6 to 9 years".

Three Belgians ride a car through the red light district. The driver sees a nice girl and asks her: "how much?". She replies: "50 euro, or 100 in the rear". The Belgian guy in the back seat opens his window and says: "hey, why do I have to pay double!".

A Belgian, German and Dutch guy are at a magical swimming pool. As you jump in you can say something and the swimming pool will be filled accordingly. First, the German guy jump of the spring board and says "Girls!". He jumps into a pool filled with girls, marries one of them and lives happily ever after. Then the Dutch guy jumps and says "Money!". The pool is filled with banknotes and the Dutchie goes home a rich man. Finally the Belgian guy climbs on the spring board, takes a few steps, trips over his own legs, stumbles and says: "Oh shit".

Belgian guys just dont have any luck.

Partner24

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #18 on: June 21, 2016, 01:44:53 AM »
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
  'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'


Aahahah very good. Thank you for the laugh!  :)

boilermaker75

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #19 on: June 21, 2016, 04:16:02 AM »
Little Johnny comes in from playing outside and asks his mom, “What is it called when someone sleeps on top of someone else?” Johnny’s mom, wanting to be honest with her son, tells her son, “Johnny, that is called sexual intercourse.” Johnny runs back out to play. About 15 minutes later he comes back in and says, “Mommy, you were wrong. It is called bunk beds. And Mary’s mom wants to talk to you.”