Author Topic: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.  (Read 47048 times)

DooDiligence

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #140 on: January 06, 2018, 07:31:55 PM »
I blocked Trump a long time ago.

« Last Edit: January 06, 2018, 07:36:03 PM by DooDiligence »
abc 2.6 | abev 2.4 | aapl 0.9 | bbh 3.3 | brk.b 11.6 | chtr 4.2 | cvs 5.7 | dva 5.6 | dis 4.1 | ew 2.1 | gpc 2.8 | mo 6.2 | nvo 5.1 | sftby 2.3 | vde 4.2

(%'s held @ cost, PV allos are slightly 2 significantly higher. includes a slowly dwindling cash pile.)

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John Hjorth

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #141 on: January 12, 2018, 11:05:00 AM »
Time for some banking humor:

A Pet Piggybank Really Hams up in Santander Bank's Adorable New Ad.

Then please scroll down a bit, and enjoy the new Santander video ads:

"You've got the shaft"
"You've been fleeced"
"You've been hosed"
"You've got Jack A**"
”In the race of excellence … there is no finish line.”
-HH Sheikh Mohammed Bin Rashid Al Maktoum, Vice President and Prime Minister of the United Arab Emirates and Ruler of Dubai

John Hjorth

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #142 on: March 01, 2018, 02:19:45 PM »
This is the joke of the day: My own English spelling!

A few days ago I found out, the I've missed the "c" in "acquisition" - and that pretty consistently! - Please feel free to call me out on my spelling. - I will prefer that you do it by PM, however. I'm here to learn.
”In the race of excellence … there is no finish line.”
-HH Sheikh Mohammed Bin Rashid Al Maktoum, Vice President and Prime Minister of the United Arab Emirates and Ruler of Dubai

boilermaker75

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #143 on: March 01, 2018, 02:48:47 PM »
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have a dinner with her parents.  Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
 
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.  At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.  The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
 
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
 
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.  The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
 
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
 
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
 
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

boilermaker75

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #144 on: March 03, 2018, 11:20:06 AM »
An engineer, a physicist, and an economist find themselves shipwrecked on a desert island with nothing to eat but a sealed can of beans. How to get at the beans? The engineer proposes breaking the can open on a rock. The physicist suggests heating the can in the sun until it bursts. The economist's approach: "First, assume we have a can opener…."

John Hjorth

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #145 on: March 03, 2018, 12:41:49 PM »
You basically just "stole" [erhh, somehow] my first macro economist joke in this topic, boilermaker! -Let me just say that I'm far from amused ... [ ; - ) ].

- - - o 0 o - - -

Here is another one, and this an IRL experience of my own. On my bachelor study in economics I was taught Keynesian Macro in the years 1978-79 by a Danish professor. He was just soo good, and funny! His name is Lars Matthiesen, I think he is retired now [he must be]. Under time span of running the class that I was in, he got appointed as member of the Danish Economic Counsils. That was a pretty big thing back then, all over in the local printed papers [There were none else then].

So, at the first class session after his appointment, he was met by standing applause by his students. He was both happy and proud of that, I could see.

Then one student asked: "How did it happen?"

He replied: "I got a letter from our Danish Prime Minister." [Meaning: "This is invitation only, & based on merit/quality of work."]

Then another student asked: "Did you go through an interview?"

He: "Well, they actually did not really ask me any questions, it was more some kind of friendly talk with the other council members about going forward, concluding and summing all the talk up with: "We justed wanted to actually see, that you have both your arms.""

The student: "Huh? - Do you care to elaborate?"

He: "In "macro", you really need to have both your arms! You know - You say "On one hand..." - and then you have to do this particular move with one of your arms,-, and then you say " ..., on the other hand ..." - and if then your other arm is not there to do that particular move, - you'll never get your message through!"

- - - o 0 o - - -

Many times since then, now many years ago, I have thought about this exchange of words. Get out of it what you do/want. To me, it has basically now boiled down to: "Push hard, but don't take yourself too seriously."
« Last Edit: March 03, 2018, 12:51:13 PM by John Hjorth »
”In the race of excellence … there is no finish line.”
-HH Sheikh Mohammed Bin Rashid Al Maktoum, Vice President and Prime Minister of the United Arab Emirates and Ruler of Dubai

york

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #146 on: March 07, 2018, 03:13:10 PM »
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today, everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.

Spekulatius

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #147 on: March 08, 2018, 11:08:42 AM »


I know someone who did precisely that. Missed exit on the freeway so backed up and took the exit.

It’s  a big deal in Germany, but not in Long Island. I have seen it quite a few times, since I moved there. I don’t know if those drivers are Jews or Italians or just the regular natives. 8)
To be a realist, one has to believe in miracles.

boilermaker75

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #148 on: March 08, 2018, 11:29:06 AM »
WORDS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
 
WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
 
 WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and would hate to look like a real Fool!
7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

John Hjorth

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #149 on: March 09, 2018, 09:49:59 AM »
How come this one somehow reminds me of some days at CoBF? - Just kidding & joking! [- I'm just such a troublemaker!]







”In the race of excellence … there is no finish line.”
-HH Sheikh Mohammed Bin Rashid Al Maktoum, Vice President and Prime Minister of the United Arab Emirates and Ruler of Dubai