Author Topic: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.  (Read 42810 times)

boilermaker75

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #20 on: June 22, 2016, 06:13:23 AM »
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The
engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a week, and do anything you
want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an
engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now
that's cool!"


DynamicPerception

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #21 on: June 22, 2016, 08:18:02 AM »
writser, funny stuff!

This is the actual radio conversation of a
US naval ship with Canadian authorities off
the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the chief of
naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees
           to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15
           degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your
           course 15 degrees to the south to avoid
           a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship.
           I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN,
           the second largest ship in the United
           States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied
           with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and
           numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that
           you change your course 15 degrees north.
           I say again, that's one-five degrees north,
           or counter-measures will be undertaken to
           ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

LC

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #22 on: June 22, 2016, 11:51:27 AM »
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"

The other replies, "I'm a big metal fan"
"Lethargy bordering on sloth remains the cornerstone of our investment style."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
brk.b | cash

doughishere

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #23 on: June 22, 2016, 04:13:40 PM »
writser, funny stuff!

This is the actual radio conversation of a
US naval ship with Canadian authorities off
the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the chief of
naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees
           to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15
           degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your
           course 15 degrees to the south to avoid
           a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship.
           I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN,
           the second largest ship in the United
           States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied
           with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and
           numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that
           you change your course 15 degrees north.
           I say again, that's one-five degrees north,
           or counter-measures will be undertaken to
           ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


Haha! Radio Conversation with an SR71. http://oppositelock.kinja.com/favorite-sr-71-story-1079127041

boilermaker75

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #24 on: June 23, 2016, 06:30:34 AM »
Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado ... and off they are whirled to the land of Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.

What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said, “I've come for some courage.”

“No Problem!” said the Wizard, ”Who's next?”

Richard Nixon stepped forward, “Well, I think I need a heart.”

“Done!” says the Wizard.

“Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?”

Up stepped George Bush and said, “I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.”

“No problem!” said the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

Then there was a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “Well, what do you want?”

“Is Dorothy here?”

doughishere

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #25 on: June 23, 2016, 11:17:55 AM »
Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado ... and off they are whirled to the land of Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.

What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said, “I've come for some courage.”

“No Problem!” said the Wizard, ”Who's next?”

Richard Nixon stepped forward, “Well, I think I need a heart.”

“Done!” says the Wizard.

“Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?”

Up stepped George Bush and said, “I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.”

“No problem!” said the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

Then there was a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “Well, what do you want?”

“Is Dorothy here?”

Slick Willy.

Eye4Valu

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #26 on: June 23, 2016, 01:30:02 PM »
I have a golf ball with Bill's face on it that says underneath "a good lie everytime." Although that of course is not true since some of Bill's lies were hilarious. "I smoked, but I didn't inhale." That may be true of a cigar. I guess Bill has another use for that though!

boilermaker75

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #27 on: June 24, 2016, 05:41:28 AM »
A young priest arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other priest in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the priests are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.  So, the new priest goes to the Bishop to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The Bishop says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

The Bishop goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old Bishop. 

So, the young priest gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,

“We missed the R! We missed the R!
           
We missed the R!”

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young priest asks the old Bishop, “What's wrong, father?”

With a choking voice, the old Bishop replies, “The word was...

“CELEBRATE!!!”

rkbabang

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #28 on: June 24, 2016, 10:38:18 AM »
It appears that as of today the EU has 1 GB of free space.

rkbabang

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #29 on: June 24, 2016, 10:57:31 AM »
An Astronomer, a Mathematician, and a Physicist were on a train. They just crossed the border into Scotland, when the Astronomer looked out of the window and saw 3 black sheep on the side of a hill.

He said to the others "Look at that sheep are black in Scotland"

The Physicist laughed and shook his head "No, no, no, my friend," replied the Physicist, "Some Scottish sheep are black."

At which point the Mathematician looked up from his paper and glanced out the window. After a few second's thought he said blandly:

"In Scotland, there exists at least one hill, upon which there exists at least three sheep, each having at least one black side."