Author Topic: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.  (Read 70467 times)

LC

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #240 on: February 15, 2019, 01:59:13 PM »
The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that he would get withdrawal symptoms if he didn't play. One Yom Kippur the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser, and I'll be back in time for services."

Sure enough, at the end of the morning service, the rabbi snuck out of the synagogue and headed straight for the golf course. Looking down upon the scene were Moses and God. Moses said, "Look how terrible -- a Jew out here alone on Yom Kippur. And even worse! A rabbi!"

God replied "Watch. I'm going to teach him a lesson."

The rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it careened off a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole for a hole in one!

Seeing all this, Moses protested. "God, is this how you're going to teach him a lesson? He got a hole in one!"

"Sure," said God, "but who's he going to tell?"

"Lethargy bordering on sloth remains the cornerstone of our investment style."
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rkbabang

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #241 on: February 25, 2019, 09:01:07 AM »
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
He asks "What for?"
She replies "I want to kill my husband."
He says "Sorry, I can't give you that."
She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.
He looks at it closely and says, "Well, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

rkbabang

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #242 on: February 26, 2019, 06:55:39 AM »
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked,
"Do you have a criminal record?"
I said, "No. Is that still required?"

meiroy

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #243 on: February 26, 2019, 07:26:24 AM »


lovely goats story rkbabang


A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a goat sitting next to him. "Are you a goat?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The goat replied, "Well, I liked the book."






DynamicPerception

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #244 on: February 26, 2019, 07:48:45 AM »
CHINESE SAYINGS (and what they REALLY mean)

That's not right ........................... Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive? .............. Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me ASAP ................................ Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man ................................. Dum Gai
Small Horse ................................ Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? ................... Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table ............... Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift ............... Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here ..................... Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet ............... Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone .................... No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? .... Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright .................... Yu So Dum
I got this for free ........................ Ai No Pei
Please stay a while longer ................. Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week .... Wai Yu Kum Nao?
They have arrived .......................... Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight .......................... Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile ............... Wao Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive ................ Yu Stin Ki Pu

rkbabang

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #245 on: February 26, 2019, 08:22:26 AM »
CHINESE SAYINGS (and what they REALLY mean)

That's not right ........................... Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive? .............. Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me ASAP ................................ Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man ................................. Dum Gai
Small Horse ................................ Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? ................... Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table ............... Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift ............... Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here ..................... Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet ............... Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone .................... No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? .... Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright .................... Yu So Dum
I got this for free ........................ Ai No Pei
Please stay a while longer ................. Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week .... Wai Yu Kum Nao?
They have arrived .......................... Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight .......................... Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile ............... Wao Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive ................ Yu Stin Ki Pu

I have an elderly neighbor who is originally from Taiwan, he's in his 70's but has lived in England, Canada, and the US since college.  So he speaks English very well, with only a hint of an accent.  But when he jokes around and does an exaggerated Chinese accent it is hilarious.   "Fried Rice" comes out "Flied Lice" for instance.   He just goes on and on and can keep us laughing for hours.

rkbabang

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #246 on: June 21, 2019, 09:33:32 AM »
A man walking down the street sees a young boy sitting on some steps with a huge bag of candy, popping one piece after another into his mouth and chewing furiously.   

He walks up to the boy and says "You know, if you keep eating so much candy you are going to rot your teeth out and you won't have room in your belly to eat your supper."

The boy responds: "I don't know about that, but do know that my great grandpa lived to be 102 years old!"

The man confused asked "And do you think he lived that long because he ate a lot of candy?"

The boy says "No. He lived that long because he knew how to mind his own business."

John Hjorth

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #247 on: June 22, 2019, 02:18:10 AM »
"The resources sector is like a bad girlfriend. She's volatile, inconsistent, and sometimes she treats you good but most of the time she's crazy.

And while you're wasting your time with her, there's all these other beautiful women you're missing out on."

H/T Pytia Cap(ital).
”In the race of excellence … there is no finish line.”
-HH Sheikh Mohammed Bin Rashid Al Maktoum, Vice President and Prime Minister of the United Arab Emirates and Ruler of Dubai

rkbabang

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #248 on: Today at 09:11:29 AM »
I'll just leave this here. I disagree that they are "as clever" as dogs, they are far more clever.

Goats are as loving and clever as dogs
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/07/06/goats-are-as-loving-and-clever-as-dogs-say-smitten-scientists/

DooDiligence

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #249 on: Today at 09:18:17 AM »
I'll just leave this here. I disagree that they are "as clever" as dogs, they are far more clever.

Goats are as loving and clever as dogs
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/07/06/goats-are-as-loving-and-clever-as-dogs-say-smitten-scientists/

Crap  :-\

Goats, cows & pigs are friggin' delicious but I couldn't eat a friend.

Might have to go to chicken only.

Please don't post a lovable chicken link.
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