Author Topic: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.  (Read 68923 times)

John Hjorth

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #210 on: January 04, 2019, 04:45:03 PM »
Today, I've had an exchange on Twitter with Gísly [CoBF member: Sportsgamma], that I consider worth repeating here :

Gísly:

Quote
There are two types of people in this world: People who finish what they start

<Please put in here some kind of amusement expressed by me>

After which I got this from Gísly.
”In the race of excellence … there is no finish line.”
-HH Sheikh Mohammed Bin Rashid Al Maktoum, Vice President and Prime Minister of the United Arab Emirates and Ruler of Dubai


rkbabang

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #211 on: January 08, 2019, 07:19:44 AM »
The Devil shows up in a crowed church and everyone runs out screaming except one old man.

The Devil says to the man "Why don't you run? Aren't you afraid of me?"

The man replies, "Nope, I married your sister!"

ERICOPOLY

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #212 on: January 08, 2019, 07:51:13 AM »
The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That's correct." She then turns to Flora and says, "First, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a BIG disappointment."

DynamicPerception

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #213 on: January 08, 2019, 08:56:52 AM »
IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.
 
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
 WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
 WITNESS: My name is Susan!ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
          he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
 WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
 WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
 WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
 WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
 WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
 WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
 WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
          Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
 WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
 WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
 WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
          notice which I sent to your attorney?
 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
          people?
 WITNESS: All of them ... The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
 WITNESS: Oral ...

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
 WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
 WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
          the autopsy?
 WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
« Last Edit: January 08, 2019, 08:58:58 AM by DynamicPerception »

LC

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #214 on: January 16, 2019, 09:26:30 PM »
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire"

Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!"

Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"

"Lethargy bordering on sloth remains the cornerstone of our investment style."
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DynamicPerception

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #215 on: January 17, 2019, 06:38:39 AM »
  As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
  As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
  I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. and as
I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
  As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
  Apparently I'm still lost....

DooDiligence

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #216 on: January 17, 2019, 04:41:43 PM »
  As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
  As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
  I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. and as
I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
  As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
  Apparently I'm still lost....

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

That one's going to be hard to top.
Healthcare 32.7% - CVS DVA EW NVO // BRK.B - 20.6% // Media & Communication 8.3% - CHTR DIS

Drinkers & Smokers 7.5% - ABEV MO // Auto's & Oil 12.4% - CLB GPC VDE // Tech 0.0%

%'s held @ MV 06/18/2019 minus 18.3% investable cash

i trumpet my ignorance

https://twitter.com/tunawish

Alekbaylee

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #217 on: January 18, 2019, 06:08:15 AM »
LMAO
Your moniker suits you well!  ;)

John Hjorth

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #218 on: January 21, 2019, 08:50:58 AM »
XKCD on the basics of technical analysis [Please don't take it seriously or personally, ref. some ongoing discussion here on CoBF these days]:


”In the race of excellence … there is no finish line.”
-HH Sheikh Mohammed Bin Rashid Al Maktoum, Vice President and Prime Minister of the United Arab Emirates and Ruler of Dubai

DooDiligence

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #219 on: January 21, 2019, 10:42:56 AM »
XKCD on the basics of technical analysis [Please don't take it seriously or personally, ref. some ongoing discussion here on CoBF these days]:




Didn't Peter Lynch call technical analysts "Wiggle Watchers"?
(I always thought that was funny.)

and then there's this,

"Technical analysis is to trading what astrology is to science"

from

https://www.fscomeau.com/why-technical-analysis-is-bullshit/

 ;)
Healthcare 32.7% - CVS DVA EW NVO // BRK.B - 20.6% // Media & Communication 8.3% - CHTR DIS

Drinkers & Smokers 7.5% - ABEV MO // Auto's & Oil 12.4% - CLB GPC VDE // Tech 0.0%

%'s held @ MV 06/18/2019 minus 18.3% investable cash

i trumpet my ignorance

https://twitter.com/tunawish