Author Topic: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.  (Read 117487 times)

DooDiligence

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #290 on: February 05, 2020, 02:54:07 PM »
I was driving home from school the other day & saw an elderly man walking on the side of the road with a gas can.

I had seen a car on the side of the road a ways back and figured it was his.
He had his thumb out while he was walking so I stopped & picked him up.

We chatted a bit & after a few minutes he noticed a brown bag on the floorboard in front of him and asked what was in it.

I told him, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my girlfriend".
He immediately said, "Good trade".
AFL // BRK.B // CLB an incredibly stupid move // EW // GPC // MO // MTB // NVO // PSX // TRMD // VDE // VLGEA // WFC

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John Hjorth

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #291 on: February 05, 2020, 03:10:47 PM »
Jeff,

Thanks! [Sometimes, threats actually work! - With regard to humor, it's still terrorism, but in a harmless way - And terrorists aren't to be relied on! - See CoBF tomorrow - nag-nag!]
”In the race of excellence … there is no finish line.”
-HH Sheikh Mohammed Bin Rashid Al Maktoum, Vice President and Prime Minister of the United Arab Emirates and Ruler of Dubai

LC

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #292 on: February 05, 2020, 03:28:02 PM »
Some up front apologies to my German and Alabaman friends:

Quote
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. Germans are very efficient and not funny.

Have you ever heard a German tell a "knock knock" joke?
Of course not. A German knows who is at the door and plans ahead.

Those were my two German jokes, please take them seriously as German humor is no laughing matter.

On the other hand:

Why are murders in Alabama so difficult to solve?
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
"Lethargy bordering on sloth remains the cornerstone of our investment style."
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John Hjorth

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #293 on: February 20, 2020, 02:07:17 PM »
Copied from this post by Greg :

[Intentionally edited to beyond recognition & context, - so Greg may disagree! [ ; - ) ]] :

... How do you buy a big position in a company you like? Buy a small one and wait a few weeks. ...

Instead of just "+1!", I'll here post "Worth repeating!" [Somehow, it's "head shaking times" right now - with a lot of stuff ... [-but not all stuff].]
« Last Edit: February 20, 2020, 02:10:02 PM by John Hjorth »
”In the race of excellence … there is no finish line.”
-HH Sheikh Mohammed Bin Rashid Al Maktoum, Vice President and Prime Minister of the United Arab Emirates and Ruler of Dubai

rb

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #294 on: February 20, 2020, 02:18:31 PM »
Copied from this post by Greg :

[Intentionally edited to beyond recognition & context, - so Greg may disagree! [ ; - ) ]] :

... How do you buy a big position in a company you like? Buy a small one and wait a few weeks. ...

Instead of just "+1!", I'll here post "Worth repeating!" [Somehow, it's "head shaking times" right now - with a lot of stuff ... [-but not all stuff].]

HEHE! I own WFC. At this rate I'll own it in about 10 years. LOL!

If i get Wells, I don't mind becoming a bank holding company either... so the Fed can kiss my  :-X

SharperDingaan

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #295 on: February 20, 2020, 02:43:12 PM »
Husband for sale...

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Zimbabwe , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch .. You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

*Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.*

The second floor sign reads:

*Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.*

The third floor sign reads:

*Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.*

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

*Floor 4 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are good looking and help with the housework.*

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

*Floor 5 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.*

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

*Floor 6: You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.*

*Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!*


Courtesy of  https://upjoke.com/zimbabwe-jokes

SD


rkbabang

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #296 on: March 03, 2020, 08:40:47 AM »
This one might be a little off color, skip if you only want wholesome jokes ...




A distressed but attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump.

A passing homeless man walks up to her and says, "Hey since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman replies, "Get away from me, you sicko! I'm not having sex with you!"

The man just turns to leave and mutters, "Fine. I'll just go wait at the bottom."


rkbabang

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #297 on: March 04, 2020, 11:34:47 AM »
Corona humor

DooDiligence

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #298 on: March 04, 2020, 03:09:46 PM »
Corona humor

That was good for a belly laugh!
AFL // BRK.B // CLB an incredibly stupid move // EW // GPC // MO // MTB // NVO // PSX // TRMD // VDE // VLGEA // WFC

Investable cash 22% + 18 months of survival $

LC

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #299 on: March 04, 2020, 03:55:33 PM »
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me.” He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off. “Where the hell have you been?!?!” “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”

She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says, “You lying bastard!!! You’ve been golfing again!!!”

"Lethargy bordering on sloth remains the cornerstone of our investment style."
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akam| brk.b | goog | irm | lyv | net | nlsn | pm | ssd | t | tfsl | v | wfc | xom