Author Topic: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.  (Read 92132 times)

LC

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #340 on: March 20, 2020, 02:58:37 PM »
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. i'll explain later."

The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt said " I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Syria either."

 :o
"Lethargy bordering on sloth remains the cornerstone of our investment style."
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Jurgis

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #341 on: March 23, 2020, 05:58:57 AM »
Cherry trees are blooming in Tokyo. This is such a beautiful sight that Japanese are all flocking to the parks and saying "Sakuru social distancing!"
"Human civilization? It might be a good idea." - Not Gandhi
"Before you can be rich, you must be poor." - Nef Anyo
"Money is an illusion" - Not Karl Marx
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"American History X", "Milk", "The Insider", "Dirty Money", "LBJ"

DynamicPerception

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #342 on: March 23, 2020, 07:05:30 AM »
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long,
discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in
his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately
settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching cat.
Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman
exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther!
I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in
mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks
away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old
Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole
scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this
knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the
panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with
the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for
himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and
says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going
to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the
squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do
now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his
back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet,
and just when they get close enough to hear, the old
Doberman says .......
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to
bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story,
Don't mess with the old dogs!

LC

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #343 on: March 23, 2020, 12:58:17 PM »
My girlfriend left me because I am insecure.


...



...


No wait she's back, she just went to get coffee.
"Lethargy bordering on sloth remains the cornerstone of our investment style."
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LC

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #344 on: March 23, 2020, 04:53:32 PM »
A 60-year old millionaire marries a 25-year old hot girl.

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, the millionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie...

"It's simple" the millionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.

With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"  8)
"Lethargy bordering on sloth remains the cornerstone of our investment style."
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Xerxes

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #345 on: March 23, 2020, 06:48:03 PM »
I guess my stupidly belongs to the category of jokes.
Might as well drop it here.

Bought BAC at round $15, about 5 years ago, enjoyed the dividend increases from nothing to what it became. Ride it all the way up to $35 and all the way down to $19 when I sold it this morning.   

LC

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #346 on: March 24, 2020, 03:44:20 PM »
I guess my stupidly belongs to the category of jokes.
Might as well drop it here.

Bought BAC at round $15, about 5 years ago, enjoyed the dividend increases from nothing to what it became. Ride it all the way up to $35 and all the way down to $19 when I sold it this morning.

Don't sweat it, I sold around 23? And thinking of buying back in. At least you got dividends.  ;D

Here's another one:

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we are friends."

"Lethargy bordering on sloth remains the cornerstone of our investment style."
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meiroy

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #347 on: March 24, 2020, 06:13:38 PM »

Spekulatius

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #348 on: March 25, 2020, 08:31:57 AM »
« Last Edit: March 25, 2020, 08:33:49 AM by Spekulatius »
Life is too short for cheap beer and wine.

meiroy

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #349 on: March 26, 2020, 12:05:24 AM »
"Jesus died for our sins, grandma died for the Dow."