Author Topic: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.  (Read 117528 times)

Gregmal

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #460 on: September 18, 2020, 06:54:04 AM »
I am sure the pussies will find those jokes offensive.


alpha

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #461 on: September 19, 2020, 12:57:05 PM »

DynamicPerception

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #462 on: September 23, 2020, 06:58:37 AM »
  This Could Be You Some Day

  A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
  During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
  Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair, 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
  'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
  'Sure.'
  'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
  'No, I can remember it..'
  'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.
  Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
  He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
  'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
  Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
  Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
  Then he toddles into the kitchen.
  After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
  She stares at the plate for a moment.
  'Where's my toast ?'


  An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
  The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
  The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
  The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
  You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
  'Do you mean a rose?'
  'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
  'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


  A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
  After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
  The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
  'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

cherzeca

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #463 on: September 23, 2020, 11:42:37 AM »
@dynamic

love these (I think, not sure that I can remember them...).  keep them coming

DynamicPerception

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #464 on: October 08, 2020, 07:48:19 AM »
  Dear Vincent,
    I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
    I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
    If you were here my troubles would be over.
    I know you would dig the plot for me.
  Love Dad.

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

  Dear Dad,
    Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden.
  That's where I buried the BODIES.
  Love Vinnie.

    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
  They apologized to the old man and left.

    That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

  Dear Dad,
    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
    That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
  Love Vinnie.

DynamicPerception

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #465 on: October 08, 2020, 10:14:43 AM »
  Wal-Mart announced that sometime in 2021 it will begin offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the wines at affordable prices in the $2 to $5 range.

  Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts but, 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. 'However, branding will be very important.'

  Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brands and varieties.

  The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

  The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

P.S. Don't bother writing back to tell me that this is a hoax.
     I know Squirrel is not a red meat.

LC

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Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
« Reply #466 on: October 08, 2020, 11:13:37 AM »
Quote
I know Squirrel is not a red meat

It is when you hunt it with your M-16!!!
"Lethargy bordering on sloth remains the cornerstone of our investment style."
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