Corner of Berkshire & Fairfax Message Board

General Category => General Discussion => Topic started by: doughishere on June 18, 2016, 05:15:34 PM

Title: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: doughishere on June 18, 2016, 05:15:34 PM
Ill start.


A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, “Number twelve!” The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, “Number four!” Again, the whole cell bloock breaks out laughing.

The new guy asks his cellmate what’s going on. “Well,” says the older prisoner, “we’ve all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke.”

So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, “Number six!” There was dead silence in the cell block. He asks the older prisoner, “What’s wrong? Why didn’t I get any laughs?”

“Well,” said the older man, “sometimes it’s not the joke, but how you tell it.”
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: adesigar on June 18, 2016, 11:01:10 PM
Number seven!
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Edward on June 19, 2016, 02:15:51 AM
A little joke about the difference between Israelis (Jews) and Germans.

So an Israeli guy is driving on the Freeway in Germany, and he misses his exit. The solution here is obviously going into reverse, so he backs up and a old german guy bumps into him, gets out of the car screaming in German, then calls the police. The police go talk to the old German guy, and after a few minutes they come to the Israeli guy, signaling he can go.

Wait, said the Israeli guy, what's going on? Forget about it, said the policeman, the old guy has gone completely crazy, he thought you were backing up on the freeway :)
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: doughishere on June 19, 2016, 09:11:10 AM
Number seven!

Sevens a good one
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: doughishere on June 19, 2016, 09:14:05 AM
A little joke about the difference between Israelis (Jews) and Germans.

So an Israeli guy is driving on the Freeway in Germany, and he misses his exit. The solution here is obviously going into reverse, so he backs up and a old german guy bumps into him, gets out of the car screaming in German, then calls the police. The police go talk to the old German guy, and after a few minutes they come to the Israeli guy, signaling he can go.

Wait, said the Israeli guy, what's going on? Forget about it, said the policeman, the old guy has gone completely crazy, he thought you were backing up on the freeway :)

Silly Germans.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Gamecock-YT on June 19, 2016, 10:09:21 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eE6QzDrT_x8
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on June 19, 2016, 07:05:37 PM
An engineer, a physicist, and an economist find themselves shipwrecked on a desert island with nothing to eat but a can of beans. How to get at the beans? The engineer proposes breaking the can open on a rock. The physicist suggests heating the can in the sun until it bursts. The economist’s approach: “First, assume we have a can opener…”
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on June 19, 2016, 07:06:20 PM
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers ahead.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting
for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word
with him."

[dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow, aren't they?"

George, the greenskeeper, replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I
think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on June 19, 2016, 07:07:23 PM
An engineer dies and he goes to the gates of heaven. St. Peter can’t find his name on the list and tells him he has to go down to Hell. Satan is thrilled to have an engineer enter Hell. The engineer finds Hell to be unbearable, so he starts to make improvements. He adds air-conditioning, cold running water, and many other amenities. Word of these improvements down in Hell gets back to God, so God gives Satan a call. God is not very happy and tells Satan that the rules clearly state no engineers in Hell and Satan needs to send the engineer back up to Heaven right away. Satan refuses, so God tells Satan he is going to sue. Satan responds, “Where are you going to find a lawyer?”
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: doughishere on June 20, 2016, 07:47:50 AM
An engineer, a physicist, and an economist find themselves shipwrecked on a desert island with nothing to eat but a can of beans. How to get at the beans? The engineer proposes breaking the can open on a rock. The physicist suggests heating the can in the sun until it bursts. The economist’s approach: “First, assume we have a can opener…”

+1
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on June 20, 2016, 08:18:39 AM
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his  way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels .
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
  'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
  'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
   Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
   1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
   2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
   3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black
      belt in karate.
   4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
      weight lifter.
   5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
   Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that
   blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
  'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: adesigar on June 20, 2016, 08:51:31 AM
A little joke about the difference between Israelis (Jews) and Germans.

So an Israeli guy is driving on the Freeway in Germany, and he misses his exit. The solution here is obviously going into reverse, so he backs up and a old german guy bumps into him, gets out of the car screaming in German, then calls the police. The police go talk to the old German guy, and after a few minutes they come to the Israeli guy, signaling he can go.

Wait, said the Israeli guy, what's going on? Forget about it, said the policeman, the old guy has gone completely crazy, he thought you were backing up on the freeway :)

Silly Germans.

I know someone who did precisely that. Missed exit on the freeway so backed up and took the exit.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Jurgis on June 20, 2016, 09:06:54 AM
I know someone who did precisely that. Missed exit on the freeway so backed up and took the exit.

A person I know did this and was stopped for it. Apparently, this is not even a ticket - it's misdemeanor. Or maybe the cop was just trying to scare them. YMMV. Possibly considered https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reckless_driving ( may depend on the state ).
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: doughishere on June 20, 2016, 09:38:44 AM
I know someone who did precisely that. Missed exit on the freeway so backed up and took the exit.

A person I know did this and was stopped for it. Apparently, this is not even a ticket - it's misdemeanor. Or maybe the cop was just trying to scare them. YMMV. Possibly considered https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reckless_driving ( may depend on the state ).

Well thats no fun...i need to get to work.

(2) knowingly drives a vehicle and uses an incline in a roadway, such as a railroad crossing, bridge approach, or hill, to cause the vehicle to become airborne.


Class A misdemeanor in Illinois. So, about the same as aggravated assault.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on June 20, 2016, 11:27:44 AM
A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,

"I can't take this, you're my friend."
But the blonde insisted saying,
"No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said

"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied

"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: writser on June 20, 2016, 12:05:05 PM
In Holland we like to make fun of Belgians instead of blondes (even though they play soccer currently and we don't). Here are a couple of terrible jokes. I hope they aren't lost in translation.

A Belgian, German and Dutchie are caught smuggling drugs into North Korea. Sentence: death by firing squad. On the first day the German smuggler is placed before the firing squad. He yells: "Watch out, tornado!". The firing squad runs for cover and he manages to escape. A few days later the Dutch smuggler is placed before the firing squad. He yells: "Tsunami!". The firing squad flees into their bunker and the Dutchie manages to escape. The next day the Belgian has to appear before the firing squad. "Wait a second, I think I can do that too", he thinks, and then yells "Fire!".

A Belgian guy calls the Guinness book of records office and says: "Listen, I think I should be in your book. I just solved a very difficult puzzle. Thousand pieces and it took me only three weeks.". The guy on the line asks him incredulously: "Why on earth do you think that is so special?". "Well", the Belgian replies, "The box said 6 to 9 years".

Three Belgians ride a car through the red light district. The driver sees a nice girl and asks her: "how much?". She replies: "50 euro, or 100 in the rear". The Belgian guy in the back seat opens his window and says: "hey, why do I have to pay double!".

A Belgian, German and Dutch guy are at a magical swimming pool. As you jump in you can say something and the swimming pool will be filled accordingly. First, the German guy jump of the spring board and says "Girls!". He jumps into a pool filled with girls, marries one of them and lives happily ever after. Then the Dutch guy jumps and says "Money!". The pool is filled with banknotes and the Dutchie goes home a rich man. Finally the Belgian guy climbs on the spring board, takes a few steps, trips over his own legs, stumbles and says: "Oh shit".
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: doughishere on June 20, 2016, 07:17:08 PM
A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,

"I can't take this, you're my friend."
But the blonde insisted saying,
"No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said

"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied

"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"

Zing!
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: doughishere on June 20, 2016, 07:19:40 PM
In Holland we like to make fun of Belgians instead of blondes (even though they play soccer currently and we don't). Here are a couple of terrible jokes. I hope they aren't lost in translation.

A Belgian, German and Dutchie are caught smuggling drugs into North Korea. Sentence: death by firing squad. On the first day the German smuggler is placed before the firing squad. He yells: "Watch out, tornado!". The firing squad runs for cover and he manages to escape. A few days later the Dutch smuggler is placed before the firing squad. He yells: "Tsunami!". The firing squad flees into their bunker and the Dutchie manages to escape. The next day the Belgian has to appear before the firing squad. "Wait a second, I think I can do that too", he thinks, and then yells "Fire!".

A Belgian guy calls the Guinness book of records office and says: "Listen, I think I should be in your book. I just solved a very difficult puzzle. Thousand pieces and it took me only three weeks.". The guy on the line asks him incredulously: "Why on earth do you think that is so special?". "Well", the Belgian replies, "The box said 6 to 9 years".

Three Belgians ride a car through the red light district. The driver sees a nice girl and asks her: "how much?". She replies: "50 euro, or 100 in the rear". The Belgian guy in the back seat opens his window and says: "hey, why do I have to pay double!".

A Belgian, German and Dutch guy are at a magical swimming pool. As you jump in you can say something and the swimming pool will be filled accordingly. First, the German guy jump of the spring board and says "Girls!". He jumps into a pool filled with girls, marries one of them and lives happily ever after. Then the Dutch guy jumps and says "Money!". The pool is filled with banknotes and the Dutchie goes home a rich man. Finally the Belgian guy climbs on the spring board, takes a few steps, trips over his own legs, stumbles and says: "Oh shit".

Belgian guys just dont have any luck.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Partner24 on June 21, 2016, 01:44:53 AM
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
  'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'


Aahahah very good. Thank you for the laugh!  :)
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on June 21, 2016, 04:16:02 AM
Little Johnny comes in from playing outside and asks his mom, “What is it called when someone sleeps on top of someone else?” Johnny’s mom, wanting to be honest with her son, tells her son, “Johnny, that is called sexual intercourse.” Johnny runs back out to play. About 15 minutes later he comes back in and says, “Mommy, you were wrong. It is called bunk beds. And Mary’s mom wants to talk to you.”
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on June 22, 2016, 06:13:23 AM
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The
engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a week, and do anything you
want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an
engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now
that's cool!"
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on June 22, 2016, 08:18:02 AM
writser, funny stuff!

This is the actual radio conversation of a
US naval ship with Canadian authorities off
the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the chief of
naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees
           to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15
           degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your
           course 15 degrees to the south to avoid
           a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship.
           I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN,
           the second largest ship in the United
           States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied
           with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and
           numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that
           you change your course 15 degrees north.
           I say again, that's one-five degrees north,
           or counter-measures will be undertaken to
           ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: LC on June 22, 2016, 11:51:27 AM
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"

The other replies, "I'm a big metal fan"
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: doughishere on June 22, 2016, 04:13:40 PM
writser, funny stuff!

This is the actual radio conversation of a
US naval ship with Canadian authorities off
the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the chief of
naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees
           to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15
           degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your
           course 15 degrees to the south to avoid
           a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship.
           I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN,
           the second largest ship in the United
           States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied
           with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and
           numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that
           you change your course 15 degrees north.
           I say again, that's one-five degrees north,
           or counter-measures will be undertaken to
           ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


Haha! Radio Conversation with an SR71. http://oppositelock.kinja.com/favorite-sr-71-story-1079127041
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on June 23, 2016, 06:30:34 AM
Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado ... and off they are whirled to the land of Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.

What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said, “I've come for some courage.”

“No Problem!” said the Wizard, ”Who's next?”

Richard Nixon stepped forward, “Well, I think I need a heart.”

“Done!” says the Wizard.

“Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?”

Up stepped George Bush and said, “I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.”

“No problem!” said the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

Then there was a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “Well, what do you want?”

“Is Dorothy here?”
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: doughishere on June 23, 2016, 11:17:55 AM
Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado ... and off they are whirled to the land of Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.

What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said, “I've come for some courage.”

“No Problem!” said the Wizard, ”Who's next?”

Richard Nixon stepped forward, “Well, I think I need a heart.”

“Done!” says the Wizard.

“Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?”

Up stepped George Bush and said, “I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.”

“No problem!” said the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

Then there was a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “Well, what do you want?”

“Is Dorothy here?”

Slick Willy.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Eye4Valu on June 23, 2016, 01:30:02 PM
I have a golf ball with Bill's face on it that says underneath "a good lie everytime." Although that of course is not true since some of Bill's lies were hilarious. "I smoked, but I didn't inhale." That may be true of a cigar. I guess Bill has another use for that though!
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on June 24, 2016, 05:41:28 AM
A young priest arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other priest in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the priests are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.  So, the new priest goes to the Bishop to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The Bishop says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

The Bishop goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old Bishop. 

So, the young priest gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,

“We missed the R! We missed the R!
           
We missed the R!”

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young priest asks the old Bishop, “What's wrong, father?”

With a choking voice, the old Bishop replies, “The word was...

“CELEBRATE!!!”
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on June 24, 2016, 10:38:18 AM
It appears that as of today the EU has 1 GB of free space.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on June 24, 2016, 10:57:31 AM
An Astronomer, a Mathematician, and a Physicist were on a train. They just crossed the border into Scotland, when the Astronomer looked out of the window and saw 3 black sheep on the side of a hill.

He said to the others "Look at that sheep are black in Scotland"

The Physicist laughed and shook his head "No, no, no, my friend," replied the Physicist, "Some Scottish sheep are black."

At which point the Mathematician looked up from his paper and glanced out the window. After a few second's thought he said blandly:

"In Scotland, there exists at least one hill, upon which there exists at least three sheep, each having at least one black side."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: doughishere on June 24, 2016, 12:42:02 PM
It appears that as of today the EU has 1 GB of free space.

My response is attached.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on June 25, 2016, 05:00:57 AM
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
' Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.  'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
                               
'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'                       

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
                               
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
                               
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
                               
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
                               
'Because you got an F in sex.'
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Partner24 on June 25, 2016, 05:32:29 AM
Again a terrific joke! Aahahahah thank you very much!  ;D

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The
engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a week, and do anything you
want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an
engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now
that's cool!"
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on June 25, 2016, 05:39:53 AM
Post deleted, based on comment from Dough.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: doughishere on June 25, 2016, 08:05:32 AM
Stay Positive.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: randomep on June 25, 2016, 08:34:05 AM
writser, funny stuff!

This is the actual radio conversation of a
US naval ship with Canadian authorities off
the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the chief of
naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees
           to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15
           degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your
           course 15 degrees to the south to avoid
           a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship.
           I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN,
           the second largest ship in the United
           States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied
           with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and
           numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that
           you change your course 15 degrees north.
           I say again, that's one-five degrees north,
           or counter-measures will be undertaken to
           ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


Haha! Radio Conversation with an SR71. http://oppositelock.kinja.com/favorite-sr-71-story-1079127041

thanks for the SR71 story, also I heard that Canadian lighthouse story many times, but wondered if it was true, looks like it is and I am so proud of my countrymen.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on June 25, 2016, 08:38:17 AM
Please accept my apology for posting outside the scope of the topic scope here, Dough. Please delete the quote of my post in your commenting to my post, now deleted, to retain the tone and the scope of this topic. Sorry to all by not doing my homework  of reading the topic title properly.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: doughishere on June 25, 2016, 10:02:21 AM
Please accept my apology for posting outside the scope of the topic scope here, Dough. Please delete the quote of my post in your commenting to my post, now deleted, to retain the tone and the scope of this topic. Sorry to all by not doing my homework  of reading the topic title properly.

No worries! Perhaps I should have explained my intent a little bit better...I dont want to become this guy.



To all who enter, Lets try and keep current politics out of this thread, I know some of them have strayed close to the line maybe a bit over but I just dont want this to become uncivil. My intentions were to have a thread that is positive and one where people arnt making jokes at the expense of others pride. I see too much of that online and in my circles these days.


I really just want people to get some endorphins flowing and to feel good. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/14/science/14laughter.html
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: longinvestor on June 25, 2016, 10:43:13 AM
A sexy female TV reporter with big boobs is interviewing a farmer, seeking to get an understanding of the mad cow disease.

Lady: Sir,what do you think are the causes of the mad cow disease?
Farmer: Do you know that the bull screws a cow only once a year?
Lady: (embarrassed), Well, that's an interesting piece of information but what's that got to do with the mad cow disease?
Farmer: Well, madam, do you know that we milk the cow twice a day?
Lady: (really blushing). Sir, can we get to the question of what causes the mad cow disease?!!
Farmer: (Staring at her boobs) I'm getting to the point ma'am. If I was playing with your boobs twice a day and screwing only once a year, won't you get mad?
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on June 26, 2016, 06:35:40 AM
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on June 27, 2016, 02:00:21 PM
dougishere, good one!

  As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had
no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's
cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
  As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a
typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour
late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was
nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they
were eating lunch.
  I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to
the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already
in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
  The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as
I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes
and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
  As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in
septic tanks for twenty years."
  Apparently I'm still lost....
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on June 28, 2016, 04:58:22 AM
An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: 'Honey,' 'My Love,' 'Darling,' 'Sweetheart,' 'Pumpkin,' etc.

The couple had been married almost 60 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and  said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said. 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: bobp on June 28, 2016, 08:01:39 AM
A traveling salesman pulls up to a farm house. As he approaches the front door a pig runs by with three legs, missing one ear, and a chunk out of his side.
The farmer comes to the door and the salesman says,, " Sir first off what happened to your pig?"
The farmer says, " Mister that's one special pig! Few months ago we had a fire in the house at night. That pig broke the front door down, ran upstairs and woke the whole family."
"Oh so he got hurt in the fire?"
"Nope"
"So what happened to him?"
Farmer - "Short while after that I went hunting. Came upon a bear and he attacked me. That pig came running at the bear squeeling and chased the bear away."
"Oh so he got mauled by the Bear?
"Nope"
" So what happened to the pig?"
"Well there was an earthquake and that pig..."
Salesman - "Wait a minute. I just want to know what happened to his leg, his side and his ear!"
" Mister that's one special pig! Pig like that you don't just eat all at once"
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: tede02 on June 28, 2016, 08:22:10 AM
Cheesy Brexit joke:  A Scot, Englishman and Northern Irishman walk into a bar.  But then they all had to go because the Englishman wanted to leave.   ::)
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: matjone on June 28, 2016, 08:44:25 AM
16:40

http://comediansincarsgettingcoffee.com/ali-wentworth-im-going-to-take-a-percocet-and-let-that-one-go

Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on June 28, 2016, 01:16:05 PM
Two guys walk into a bar.  The third guy ducks.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Williams406 on June 28, 2016, 02:43:35 PM
Sean and Niall reluctantly shuffle up to their dead friend and colleague's door to deliver the bad news.

"Siobhan, we're sorry to have to tell you that Seamus died today at the Guinness brewery during his shift."

After sobbing uncontrollably for five minutes, the widow asked what happened.

"He was found floating in a vat of Guinness."

Did he at least die quickly? she wondered, hoping for some small comfort.

"Well...he did get out to pee three times."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on June 28, 2016, 09:13:59 PM
More Brexit humor in a short clip from Seinfeld.

https://www.facebook.com/GetCafe/videos/1646505489005671/
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on June 29, 2016, 03:46:56 PM
  These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

  FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
  8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!

  FREE PUPPIES
  1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

  FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
  Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

  JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
  Must sell washer and dryer £100.

  WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
  Worn once by mistake.
  Call Stephanie.

  And the WINNER is...

  FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
  Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
  No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
  (Statement of the Century)

  Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
  "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
  How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

  Children Are Quick
  TEACHER: Why are you late?
  STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

  TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
  JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

  TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
  TEACHER: No, that's wrong
  GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
  (I Love this child)

  TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
  DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
  TEACHER: What are you talking about?
  DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

  TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
           have ten years ago.
  WINNIE:  Me!

  TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
  GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

  TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
  MILLIE:  I is.
  TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
  MILLIE:  All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

  TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
           but also admitted it.
           Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
  LOUIS:   Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

  TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
  SIMON:   No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

  TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your
           brother's.. Did you copy his?
  CLYDE:   No, sir. It's the same dog.
           (I want to adopt this kid!!!)

  TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
           people are no longer interested?
  HAROLD:  A teacher.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Crip1 on June 29, 2016, 07:24:29 PM
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says to him "Hey, buddy, why the long face?"


-Crip
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on June 29, 2016, 08:18:42 PM
Children Writing About the Ocean...

 1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
      (Kelly, age 6)

 2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

 3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
      have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (age 8)

 4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
      Richardson. She's not my  friend any more. (Kyie, age 6)

 5) - A dolphin  breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
      (Billy, age 8)

 6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men, a woman and pots
      and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

 7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
      ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to
      make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
      eating beans. (William, age 7)

 8) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give
      you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
      they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

 9) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going
      very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right
      up her big fat ass.. (Julie, age 7)

10) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean and knows all about the ocean.
      What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
      (James, age 7)
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on June 30, 2016, 04:12:25 AM
A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.   He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. 

The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo. I've got Windoooooows!"
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on June 30, 2016, 09:10:35 AM
IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.
1)
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
 WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
 WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
 WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
 WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
 WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
          he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
 WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
 WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
__________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
 WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
__________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
 WITNESS: Getting laid
__________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
 WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
 WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
 WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
          Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
 WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
 WITNESS: Take a guess.
__________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
 WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
__________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
          notice which I sent to your attorney?
 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
          people?
 WITNESS: All of them ... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
__________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
 WITNESS: Oral ...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
 WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
 WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
          the autopsy?
 WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on July 01, 2016, 06:34:26 AM
 A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on July 01, 2016, 09:21:49 AM
I usually don't get too concerned about things that have
  been sent to me via mass mailing but I'm sending this one
  to everyone because I think this is important enough to
  let you know that this site exists.

  YOU WILL PROBABLY FORWARD TO YOUR FRIENDS FOR THEIR INFO...

  Topic: Driver Licence Information

  A lot of people are very concerned about this! Especially
  the accuracy of information.

  Did you know that you can see anyone's drivers license
  using the internet, including your own?
  It's an American based site, but it also links into Canada.

  I just searched for my licence, and there it was, picture
  and all.

  Where it asks what state - put your city and province.
  Make sure you leave a space after your city.
  This was something I didn't know you could do. I'm not sure
  I like this info out there for anyone to access.

  What happened to the "THE PRIVACY ACT"?

  Check it out http://www.license.shorturl.com/
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on July 02, 2016, 06:45:58 AM
The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who are standing under it. They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your intelligence.

So think carefully .. . . Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the analysis.


 

 

 
 





































If your answer is:


Lion = you're dull.


Chimpanzee = you're a moron.


Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.


Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.


A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.

Obviously you're stressed and overworked.  You should take some time off and relax!  Try again next year.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on July 02, 2016, 03:52:26 PM
Duties of Wives

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Greece.
He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the
dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on
the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were
all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Italy.
He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do
all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the
first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was
better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were
done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Australian girl.
He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the
house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week,
lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for
every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he
didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling
had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye,
just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher,
and call a handyman.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on July 03, 2016, 05:48:20 AM
Why some men have dogs instead of wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

6. A dog's parents never visit.

7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

10. Dogs seldom outlive you.

11. Dogs can't talk.

12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad...they just think it's interesting.

21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.

25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

And, last but not least:

26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Partner24 on July 03, 2016, 06:31:48 AM
boilermaker, another terrific joke! You're very funny. I laughed so much. Thank you very much and please, keep posting!  ;D
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on July 03, 2016, 09:44:04 AM

  The importance of having your email addresses correct!

  It seems there was this couple from Toronto who decided to get away to
  Florida for a few days.  Since both spouses worked, they had difficulty
  coordinating their schedules, so the decision was made that the husband
  leave for Florida on a certain day, with the wife following him one day
  later.

  When the man made arrived at his hotel room in Florida, he opened his laptop
  and sent his wife back in Toronto an email. However, he left off one letter
  in typing his wife's email address and sent the email off without realizing
  his error.

  In another part of the country, a widow had just returned from the funeral
  of her husband, a Lutheran pastor of many years who had been called to glory
  just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was
  expecting to hear from her husband's relatives and friends.

  Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to
  the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the
  floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email
  message:

  To My Loving Wife:
  I've just been checked in.  Everything has been prepared for your arrival
  here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.  Your Devoted Husband.

  p.s. Sure is hot down here!
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on July 04, 2016, 05:27:29 AM
boilermaker, another terrific joke! You're very funny. I laughed so much. Thank you very much and please, keep posting!  ;D

Partner24,

I am glad you have enjoyed the jokes I have posted. I'm not really funny. I am just passing on jokes I have heard. If you heard me tell them you probably wouldn't laugh!

Boiler
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on July 04, 2016, 05:29:07 AM
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.

He swears every word is true.

"Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you."

"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman "But it did happen to my sister."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on July 04, 2016, 07:33:32 AM
       Wonderful English From Around The World

  In a Bangkok temple:
  IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

  Cocktail lounge, Norway:
  LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

  Doctors office, Rome:
  SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

  Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
  DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

  In a Nairobi restaurant:
  CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

  On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
  TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

  On a poster at Kencom:
  ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

  In a city restaurant:
  OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

  In a cemetery:
  PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

  Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
  GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

  On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
  OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

  In a Tokyo bar:
  SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

  Hotel, Yugoslavia:
  THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

  Hotel, Japan:
  YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

  In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
  YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS,
  ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

  A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
  IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF
  DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS
  THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

  Hotel, Zurich:
  BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE
  BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

  Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
  WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

  Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
  WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

  A laundry in Rome:
  LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on July 05, 2016, 08:06:04 AM
A student, a priest and a politician are on a charter plane. Suddenly the pilot rushes out of the cockpit, puts on a parachute, yells "save yourselves" and jumps out of the plane.  The student looks and tells the others that there are only two parachutes left.  One of them will have to stay on the plane.

"I should go." says the politician. "I am the smartest man in the world! The world needs me." Before the others can react, he puts a pack on his back and jumps out of the plane.

The priest looking deeply sad tells the student "You are just a boy. You have your entire life ahead of you. I'm an old man who has done what I've been put on Earth to do.  You can take the last parachute and save yourself..."

The student interrupts him holding up two parachutes and says "But Father we can both live"

The priest looked confused and said "It's a miracle! It's like the loaves and the fishes! God must still have plans for the both of us!"

The student replied, "No, No, Father.  It isn't that at all. The smartest man in the world just jumped out of the plane wearing my backpack!"
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on July 06, 2016, 05:45:53 AM
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.  "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. 

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on July 07, 2016, 04:18:01 AM
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.  An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: petec on July 07, 2016, 06:22:39 AM
What did Pavlov say when he heard the bell ring?

Damn!   I forgot to feed the dogs!

 ;)
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on July 07, 2016, 06:29:44 AM
I remember sitting in psychology class learning about Pavlov thinking ‘those stupid dogs’, and then the bell rang and we all went to lunch.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on July 09, 2016, 07:02:59 AM
How to install a redneck home security system:

1.   Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2.   Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3.   Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4.   Leave a note on your door that reads: 'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, We went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.'

5.   INSTALLATION COMPLETE!
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: doughishere on July 09, 2016, 06:45:01 PM
#PokemonGO has done more to combat childhood obesity in 24 hours than Michelle Obama has in the past eight years.


No politics. It's just a joke. I'm just giving the First Lady a hard time. Haha
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on July 11, 2016, 11:07:54 AM
After my prostate exam the doctor left the room and the nurse came in.  As she shut the door she whispered the three words no man wants to hear in this situation.

"Who was that?"
 
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on July 11, 2016, 01:20:05 PM
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The man always had trouble getting up to his alarm and depended on his wife to get him up. Suddenly, herealized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."  He left it where he knew she would find it. 

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: fareastwarriors on July 11, 2016, 01:22:55 PM
#PokemonGO has done more to combat childhood obesity in 24 hours than Michelle Obama has in the past eight years.


No politics. It's just a joke. I'm just giving the First Lady a hard time. Haha

haha boom roasted
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on July 12, 2016, 05:55:28 PM
Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. He went up to her and said "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on July 15, 2016, 05:51:00 PM
For you golfers:

  Golf As I Know It, The Truly Useful Golf Book.

  Chapter 1    How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
  Chapter 2    How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist
               from the Tee
  Chapter 3    How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
  Chapter 4    How to Get More Distance Off the Shank
  Chapter 5    When to Give the Ranger the Finger
  Chapter 6    Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
  Chapter 7    Crying and How to Handle it
  Chapter 8    Proper Excuses for Drinking Beers Before 10am
  Chapter 9    How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
  Chapter 10   How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
  Chapter 11   Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th
  Chapter 12   How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome
  Chapter 13   How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee
  Chapter 14   When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
  Chapter 15   God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
  Appendix     When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on July 16, 2016, 04:46:59 AM
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook, which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank, which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.   

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,  “If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: ERICOPOLY on July 16, 2016, 09:26:58 AM
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: ERICOPOLY on July 16, 2016, 09:53:06 AM
West Virginia Custody Battle

An old mountaineer and his young ex-wife were fighting over custody of their children.

The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on July 19, 2016, 04:01:35 PM
Great signs.....with humor

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

And the best one for last............
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on July 19, 2016, 05:20:09 PM
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
 
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
 
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
 
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
 
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Ferraris and BMWs in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
 
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
 
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
 
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
 
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Crip1 on July 19, 2016, 07:56:52 PM
A man walks into a Psychiatrist's office, wrapped head to toe in only clear Saran Wrap. The Psychiatrist looks at him and says "I can clearly see your nuts".


-Crip
 
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on July 20, 2016, 08:47:46 AM
One of my personal favourites. These are actual form entries.

                     Car Wreck Crack-Ups (22 Explanations)

  From time to time, some of us have had to describe, in a sentence or two on an insurance
  form, what caused a traffic mishap. Here's a list of one liners collected by a canadian
  company:

  1) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

  2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

  3) I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my hand through it.

  4) I collided with a stationary truck comming the other way.

  5) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

  6) The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

  7) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over
     the embankment.

  8) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

  9) I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the
     accident.

 10) I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way
     causing me to have an accident.

 11) As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop
     sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid an accident.

 12) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

 13) My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

 14) An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

 15) I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found thar I had
     a fractured skull.

 16) I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I
     struck him.

 17) The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

 18) I saw the slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

 19) The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

 20) I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some
     dirty cows.

 21) The telephone pole was approaching and I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when
     it struck my front end.

 22) I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and
     passengers then left immediately for vacation with injuries.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on August 01, 2016, 08:35:59 AM
A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.

The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique," he said.

At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe.  "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." 

The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check."

The jeweler said, "You can write a check but you'll have to wait till Monday to pick up the ring so I can verify with the bank your account has enough to cover the $40,000."

Monday morning a very angry jeweler phones the man. "You bastard, you lied there's no money in that account."

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?”
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Partner24 on August 01, 2016, 09:16:27 AM
lol
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on August 04, 2016, 11:30:47 AM
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn".

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on August 06, 2016, 09:57:57 AM
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,
"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on August 07, 2016, 04:04:50 AM
How many posters does it take to change a light bulb in cyberspace?
1 to successfully change the light bulb and to post to the message board that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently or more efficiently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers.

156 to write to the board administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this message board.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this board is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a more appropriate location.

203 to demand that posts about changing light bulbs be stopped or deleted! "We are here to talk about widgets!"

111 to defend the posting to this board, saying that, "We all use light bulbs & therefore the posts ARE relevant to this board."

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brands of light bulbs work best for these
technique, and what brands are faulty.

102 to flame those whose suggestions/techniques differ from their own.

204 to flame the flamers claiming that "We are all entitled to our own opinions!"

112 to post that "some posters seem to be AGAINST certain brands of light bulbs, no matter how they work in different situations or in different lamps.
"Sometimes, it's the lamp's fault, not the bulb, so don't always blame the bulb."

193 to post that they are "offended by posters who seem to gleefully slam others favorite brands of light bulbs."

42 to post that "It isn't nice to say mean things about certain brand names. After all, CEOs of big manufacturing companies are people too & have feelings."

99 to post urgent messages begging everyone to calm down and be peaceful & respectful.

112 to post in the discussion that the discussion is stupid.

83 to post that posters enjoying the discussion should ignore confrontational posters & those who are not interested in light bulbs can post somewhere else.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and to post corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this discussion.

33 to review all posts to date, then quote them, including all headers & footers.

12 to post to the board that they are quitting because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to complain that their posts disappeared.

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new lite.bulb message board for those who want to continue the light bulb discussion.

47 to say that this is just what this board was meant for, leave the discussion here.

8 to post their opinions on the controversy long after most of the light bulb fuss has died down.

10 to post that the discussion is none of their business because they came too late to add anything relevant.

4 to post that they are new and would like some background info on the light bulb brouhaha.

409 to post that they don't really want to know. It's all too silly to go into, but welcome to the board!

143 votes for a lite.bulb message board.

38 votes proclaiming the advantages in using vintage light bulbs.

409 to protest that there is "NO NEED to start up the discussion AGAIN!! PLEASE STOP THE MADNESS!"

1 to challenge all those posters who claim to want to end it once and for all to "IGNORE any future posts on this topic. Then, those disgruntled troublemakers who can't just LET THIS GO, will eventually give up."

1048 post promises to drop the light bulb debate.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on August 12, 2016, 04:07:06 PM
This morning my friend lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.

On the way home he stopped at the gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of his pickup truck and said in a very sexy voice, “I’m a big believer in barter. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?”

He thought a few seconds and asked, “What kinda ammo ya got?”
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on August 13, 2016, 06:48:20 AM
A man has to go on another long, dull business trip. He sits down in his cramped seat on the plane. Then he sees the most beautiful women he has ever laid eyes on walking down the aisle. There eyes meet and she smiles. This must be his lucky day, her seat is right next to his!

They start talking and he asks her if this is a business trip or vacation. She tells him she is headed to a conference. She does research on human sexuality and she is making a presentation. She has done statistical studies of men related to their physical attributes and performance in bed. She has found that Native Americans are the longest, Polish men have the largest diameters, but the American red-neck is the best performer.

She starts to blush and says, “I am telling you all this and I don’t even know your name.”

Thinking quickly he responds, “My name is Tonto Janikowski, but my friends call me Bubba!”
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on August 15, 2016, 07:04:20 PM
Italian Secret to a Long Marriage

At  St. Peter's Roman Catholic Church in New York they have weekly
husbands' Marriage Seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, an Italian
immigrant who had lived in New York for many years, and was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes
and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to
the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to
treat her nicea, spenda DA money on her, but besta of all is,
I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to
all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your
wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: randomep on August 16, 2016, 12:57:07 PM
A man walks into a Psychiatrist's office, wrapped head to toe in only clear Saran Wrap. The Psychiatrist looks at him and says "I can clearly see your nuts".


-Crip

I am sorry to say this but this is got to be the worst joke here :)
 :) :) :) :)
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on August 16, 2016, 02:27:35 PM
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Jurgis on August 16, 2016, 02:45:48 PM
A man walks into a Psychiatrist's office, wrapped head to toe in only clear Saran Wrap. The Psychiatrist looks at him and says "I can clearly see your nuts".


-Crip

I am sorry to say this but this is got to be the worst joke here :)
 :) :) :) :)

And I thought that jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on August 16, 2016, 02:58:50 PM
A man walks into a Psychiatrist's office, wrapped head to toe in only clear Saran Wrap. The Psychiatrist looks at him and says "I can clearly see your nuts".


-Crip

I am sorry to say this but this is got to be the worst joke here :)
 :) :) :) :)

And I thought that jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

LOL
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: LC on August 16, 2016, 05:22:51 PM
A man walks into a Psychiatrist's office, wrapped head to toe in only clear Saran Wrap. The Psychiatrist looks at him and says "I can clearly see your nuts".


-Crip

I am sorry to say this but this is got to be the worst joke here :)
 :) :) :) :)

Did you hear about the kidnapping in Virginia? Don't worry, he woke up.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Greg on August 16, 2016, 05:41:33 PM
A man walks into a Psychiatrist's office, wrapped head to toe in only clear Saran Wrap. The Psychiatrist looks at him and says "I can clearly see your nuts".


-Crip

Great joke. Like a surrealistic painting.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on August 16, 2016, 07:14:03 PM
  A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
  The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
  The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60,
  perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
  Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the
  passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car
  doesn't have cruise control."
  As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at
  his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
  The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your
  radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out
  the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man
  glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it,
  woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?!"
  The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not
  wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
  The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but
  took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my
  license out of my back pocket."
  The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't
  have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when
  you're driving."
  And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the
  driver turns to his wife and barks,
  "FOR THE LAST TIME WOMAN, WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP?!"
  The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
  "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
  WAIT FOR IT............
  WAIT FOR IT............
  WAIT FOR IT............
  " Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Sportgamma on August 17, 2016, 10:06:40 AM
A fundamental analyst and a technical analyst are having cake. They are in heated debate when the TA accidentally hits the knife, causing it to fall off the table and into the foot of the FA.

"Why didn't you catch it?!" the FA cries out.

"I don't catch falling knives!" the TA replies.  "Why didn't you?"

"I didn't think it would fall that low!"
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: LC on August 17, 2016, 12:32:46 PM
Do you know why the Amish girl was excommunicated? 2 mennanite
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on August 17, 2016, 01:06:37 PM
    It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years
  of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the
  same neighborhood.

    When he arrived at the first house on his route he was
  greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him
  and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

    At the second house they presented him with a box of
  fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a
  selection of terrific fishing lures.

    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly
  beautiful Blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by
  the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up
  the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the
  most passionate love he had ever experienced.
   
    When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed
  him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage,
  blueberry waffles, and freshly squeezed orange juice. When
  he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming
  coffee.
 
    As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out
  from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too
  wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

    "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today
  would be your last day, and that we should do something special
  for you. I asked him what to give you."
 
    He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."

    The "Blonde" then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: randomep on August 17, 2016, 10:12:42 PM
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook, which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank, which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.   

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,  “If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

Sorry I don't get it!
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Jurgis on August 19, 2016, 09:22:52 AM
Our CEO is such a nice, upfront, no bs kind of guy.

He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it.

He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: LC on August 19, 2016, 10:35:01 AM
A man is drunk in a bar. Across the bar he sees three heavy set women, speaking with Scottish sounding accents. He makes his way to the women and asks; "Excuse me, are you ladies from Scotland?" The first women gets mad and yells "It's Wales, you ass! Wales!" The man the replies. "I'm sorry, are you three whales from Scotland?"
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on August 19, 2016, 11:15:25 AM
I don't know if this really happened, but I hope it did!

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled.   A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.  Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." 

The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy  to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I, AM" 

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.  "We have  a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said,  "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll  have to get in line for that too."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: arcube on August 19, 2016, 11:59:44 AM
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook, which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank, which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.   

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,  “If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

Sorry I don't get it!

Lol. He was paying other hookers on the side as well!  8)
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: randomep on August 19, 2016, 02:14:49 PM


Lol. He was paying other hookers on the side as well!  8)

Fock! oh man that is so hilarious!
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on August 20, 2016, 07:55:58 AM
 A Manchester lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
 He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from MANCHESTER
 and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to
 prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!
 Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
 Manchester  Lawyer says, 'What for?'
 Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
 Manchester  Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
 Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and
 registration, please.'
 Manchester  Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
 Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the
 law, Licence and registration, please!'
 Manchester  Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow
 down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the
 ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
 Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
 The Manchester  Lawyer exits his vehicle.
 The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the tar out of the lawyer
 and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on September 02, 2016, 06:06:01 AM
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, and 2 South Africans ...

     ... all walk into a fine upscale restaurant.

     "I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "You can't come in here without a Thai."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on December 10, 2016, 04:53:57 AM
An Irishman found a genie in a bottle who offered him two wishes.

"First, I'll have a pint of Guinness," said the Irishman, and when it appeared he took several long drinks from it and was delighted to see that the glass filled itself magically as he drank.

What about your second wish?" asked the genie.

"Oh well," said the Irishman, "that's easy. I'll have another one of these!"
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on July 14, 2017, 04:56:07 AM
 Rokoko Post [since 1732]: Islamic State takes responsibility for Roskilde Festival (http://rokokoposten.dk/2017/07/14/islamisk-stat-tager-ansvar-roskilde-festival/).
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: LC on July 14, 2017, 07:37:04 AM
I'm always a fan of shaggy dog jokes, Norm Macdonald does it best:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eE6QzDrT_x8
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on July 14, 2017, 08:55:35 AM
Thank you for helping me getting through the day today, LC. It's hillarious.

It's the perfect desciption of me today. I haven't still mentally overcome getting screwed by this beautiful Spanish lady & brunette called Ms. Botin. [<- this is meant as a separate joke].

When did you get rid of SAN, LC? - I see that you have modified your profile signature. [<- This could be a separate joke, too, - at the expense of me, naturally - depending on the content of your reply.]

Yesterday, the Lady of the House did notice in the afternoon - while I was communicating with TwoCitiesCapital in the SAN topic - that her man was sitting behind his monitors, frozen, and his face almost collapsed into the face of an old sour man, and she asked why. I explained it to her, after which I said "... I have no need for a Spanish brunette to screw me ... - it's your job!" [<- That's actually meant as joke, too].

Then she walked away from me, laughing. The anger inside me did build up, so I was almost going ballistic, however I did not react or respond, still. I managed within a couple of minutes to get myself into some state of embarassment in stead.[<- that's joke #4 here, and the real joke here!].

Please say after me: "Spanish corporate government". [<- That's indeed joke #5].
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: LC on July 14, 2017, 01:03:22 PM
Norm does the best shaggy dog jokes. Here's another great one:

https://youtu.be/WBIpMGyJQBw

I sold SAN on (1) a comment that SD made in the SAN thread and (2) because I think Citi is also undervalued and has a better business. So I've shifted to that.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on July 14, 2017, 01:25:46 PM
Thanks for sharing, LC.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on July 21, 2017, 11:49:02 AM
A few quickies for a Friday afternoon.


What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag


Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.


Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.


What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes


Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you


Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

'Are you sure it's mine?'


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on September 19, 2017, 07:07:42 AM
Mr. Taleb, in Bermuda - & - in Rome - lecturing about catastrofic/tail risk, attached. [source: Twitter.]

- I'm not sure if this dress is in compliance with Italian dress code... I mean, are those shoes Italian? They sure look like they could be loafers from Moreschi (https://www.moreschi.it/en_wr/shop-online/men/shoes/loafers/santiago-black).
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on September 19, 2017, 07:12:09 AM
Mr. Taleb, in Bermuda - & - in Rome - lecturing about catastrofic/tail risk, attached. [source: Twitter.]

- I'm not sure if this dress is in compliance with Italian dress code... I mean, are those shoes Italian? They sure look like they could be loafers from Moreschi (https://www.moreschi.it/en_wr/shop-online/men/shoes/loafers/santiago-black).

Ha, The little tiny thumbnail picture of this before I clicked on it looked like he wasn't wearing any pants at all.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Jurgis on September 19, 2017, 08:21:11 AM
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t31.0-8/20690308_2209292439399528_711948467249402831_o.jpg?oh=1a515e13f289320529b3e59750865763&oe=5A35AEAA)

Crappy formatting. Not sure how to make it better.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on September 19, 2017, 08:25:30 AM
Point taken anyway, Jurgis [ ; - ) ]
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Jurgis on September 19, 2017, 08:36:18 AM
Canadians invented everything:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murdoch_Mysteries

Maybe not direct fit for this thread, but sometimes it's really funny - and we have a lot of Canadians on board.  :D

Short summary: detective Murdoch and colleagues in Toronto around 1900 invent everything: sonar, manned flight, electric car, digital pictures and their transmission, lie detector, etc. There's even an episode where they discuss investments to widows and orphans fund and decide to go with Coke, Ma Bell, IBM (?), GE and other great investments.  ;D

Go Canada!  8)
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on September 19, 2017, 09:37:53 AM
Mr. Taleb, in Bermuda - & - in Rome - lecturing about catastrofic/tail risk, attached. [source: Twitter.]

- I'm not sure if this dress is in compliance with Italian dress code... I mean, are those shoes Italian? They sure look like they could be loafers from Moreschi (https://www.moreschi.it/en_wr/shop-online/men/shoes/loafers/santiago-black).

Holy moly, a pink swan event!

I was thinking about going 2 Bermuda some day but if I gotta dress like that, not...
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on September 19, 2017, 09:52:40 AM
Mr. Taleb, in Bermuda - & - in Rome - lecturing about catastrofic/tail risk, attached. [source: Twitter.]

- I'm not sure if this dress is in compliance with Italian dress code... I mean, are those shoes Italian? They sure look like they could be loafers from Moreschi (https://www.moreschi.it/en_wr/shop-online/men/shoes/loafers/santiago-black).

I think that is the top half of a Brioni suit!
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on September 19, 2017, 10:16:34 AM
Mr. Taleb, in Bermuda - & - in Rome - lecturing about catastrofic/tail risk, attached. [source: Twitter.]

- I'm not sure if this dress is in compliance with Italian dress code... I mean, are those shoes Italian? They sure look like they could be loafers from Moreschi (https://www.moreschi.it/en_wr/shop-online/men/shoes/loafers/santiago-black).

Holy moly, a pink swan event!

I was thinking about going 2 Bermuda some day but if I gotta dress like that, not...


You are only required to dress like that if you live there.  I've been there a couple of times and they let visitors dress normally.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on September 19, 2017, 10:47:14 AM
It's actually true, rkbabang,

On a more serious note: I perceive Italians are actually very tolerant people, with regard to dress code. I've never had a comment, when I've been there, even when I've been "almost overly relaxed" dressed, sometimes.

- - - o 0 o - - -

The real joke here, is actually the sign to right of Mr. Taleb in the photo: Why do you take lectures from Mr. Taleb, if you're already doing business in Bermuda taking on insurance and reinsurance risk? - I do not recall exactly what longinvestor called this kind capital here on CoBF not so long ago, but it was not a positive label.

- - - o 0 o - - -

Edit:

I hope it's evidient that I'm bored.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on September 19, 2017, 12:08:05 PM
I won't even apologize for stirring the fun pot here, but why even look around anywhere, when there is fun here too:

In the Apple topic in the Investment Ideas forum:

... Still using a 6 Plus & will prob wait for the next iteration of the X but I'm definitely getting a (v3) watch.

I'll be able to wade fish up to my friggin' neck & still have music & comms.

Pics please!
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on September 20, 2017, 07:21:47 AM
I won't even apologize for stirring the fun pot here, but why even look around anywhere, when there is fun here too:

In the Apple topic in the Investment Ideas forum:

... Still using a 6 Plus & will prob wait for the next iteration of the X but I'm definitely getting a (v3) watch.

I'll be able to wade fish up to my friggin' neck & still have music & comms.

Pics please!

Watch is supposed to arrive on the 22nd & there will most certainly be images, in the water (there may or may not be fish in the photos...)
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on October 16, 2017, 08:28:45 AM
Encore! [Attached, source: Twitter]
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on October 17, 2017, 04:41:28 PM
Read today here on CoBF, that Berkshire is retrofitting wind turbines, to make them more efficient.

That's good news.

Danish Vestas Wind Systems A/S is a major supplier to Berkshire for wind turbines, and they have quite some experience with retrofitting wind turbines (https://www.tvmidtvest.dk/artikel/brand-i-140-meters-hoejde-kaempe-vindmoelle-i-brand).

All good.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on October 18, 2017, 05:08:36 AM
Read today here on CoBF, that Berkshire is retrofitting wind turbines, to make them more efficient.

That's good news.

Danish Vestas Wind Systems A/S is a major supplier to Berkshire for wind turbines, and they have quite some experience with retrofitting wind turbines (https://www.tvmidtvest.dk/artikel/brand-i-140-meters-hoejde-kaempe-vindmoelle-i-brand).

All good.

:o  This doesn't happen with solar panels.

(https://www.tvmidtvest.dk/files/styles/inline_large/public/media/2017/31/vindmoellebrand_aske_bonde.jpg)
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Jurgis on October 31, 2017, 09:52:10 AM
A guy told me to sell Internet stocks and buy fruit companies.

I googled him and it seems he's a bit bananas.




 ;D
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on November 08, 2017, 11:39:54 AM
<Man dials phone>
<Little Girl answers phone>

GIRL:  Hello
MAN:  Hello sweetie, this is Daddy is Mommy near the phone?
GIRL:  Hi Daddy, no she's in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
MAN:  But you don't have an Uncle Paul?
GIRL:  I know, Mommy just wants me to call him that. They've been in the bedroom a long time.
MAN:  Can you do something for Dadddy?
GIRL:  Yes
MAN:  Go knock on the bedroom door and yell Daddy's Home! and then come back and tell me what happened.
GIRL:  Okay Daddy.

<loud noises, screams, bangs>

GIRL:  Daddy, Daddy, I think Mommy's hurt, she ran out of the bedroom with no clothes on, she fell down the stairs and she's not moving!
MAN:  What!
GIRL:  And Uncle Paul, he jumped out the window into the pool, he didn't know that you drained the water last week. I think he's dead!
<girl sobbing>

<long pause ...>

MAN:  Pool?  Is this 554-1288?
GIRL:  No
MAN:  I'm sorry, wrong number.

<Phone disconnects>
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: LC on November 08, 2017, 10:01:01 PM
Nerd joke incoming:


Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car.
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks, 'Do you know how fast you were going?'
'No, but I know exactly where I am,' Heisenberg replies.
The cop says, 'you were doing 55 in a 35.' Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, 'Great! Now, I'm lost.'
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk. He checks it out and says, 'Do you know you have a dead cat back here?'
'We do now, asshole!' Shouts Schroedinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on November 09, 2017, 05:14:02 AM
Nerd joke incoming:


Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car.
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks, 'Do you know how fast you were going?'
'No, but I know exactly where I am,' Heisenberg replies.
The cop says, 'you were doing 55 in a 35.' Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, 'Great! Now, I'm lost.'
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk. He checks it out and says, 'Do you know you have a dead cat back here?'
'We do now, asshole!' Shouts Schroedinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

That was great!
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on November 09, 2017, 11:50:01 AM
Perhaps the activity in this topic is an indicator of high market levels, where value investors are just so bored? [ ; - ) ]
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: LC on November 09, 2017, 11:58:29 AM
Perhaps the activity in this topic is an indicator of high market levels, where value investors are just so bored? [ ; - ) ]
It is for me at least. Or I just suck at finding undervalued companies. Probably a bit of both :D
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on November 09, 2017, 12:46:51 PM
Perhaps the activity in this topic is an indicator of high market levels, where value investors are just so bored? [ ; - ) ]
It is for me at least. Or I just suck at finding undervalued companies. Probably a bit of both :D

There is to me no other way than to proceed - hopefully with good mood - no matter how hard it may seem right now, LC. [ : - ) ]
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on November 11, 2017, 02:23:57 PM
A teacher, a doctor and an investment banker die and arrive at the pearly gates.

God asks the teacher why he should be let into heaven and the teacher explains to God that he taught small children how to read and write.

God says, "Welcome to heaven, my son."

God then asks the doctor what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. "I saved people's lives by curing their illnesses," the doctor replies.

"Welcome to heaven, my son," God says.

God then turns to the investment banker & asked him what he was, and the man replied that he was an investment banker and he helped banks package their subprime mortgages into highly marketable CDOs.

edit - NEW & IMPROVED PUNCHLINE - edit

"Welcome to heaven, my son," says God, "your room's being cleaned but you're in luck, I've got a friend who's having a BBQ & he says he can put you up for a while."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on December 02, 2017, 12:51:36 PM
On November 30 2017, Mr. Taleb released the cover for his latest book "Skin in the Game" on FB, the book to be released at the end February 2018, if I remember correctly. [Basically, you can read the whole book already by now, by using his personal website, combined with Medium.]

Please see attached, and please see the back side of the cover, especially the last comment there. No foreword here from some big hot shot![, who most likely does not understand the man anyway [lol]]. This man is in every way seeking the borders of everything.

However he's not full grown antifragile yet, otherwise he would have put those comments in the book as a foreword.

- - - o 0 o - - -

I have read some other comments about legs and dogs behavior related to one of the other quotes on the backside of the cover, however I'll leave it up to your self to find those comments, because Dough, the OP in this topic - has asked in the topic title to keep the jokes PC.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on December 02, 2017, 02:55:10 PM
On November 30 2017, Mr. Taleb released the cover for his latest book "Skin in the Game" on FB, the book to be released at the end February 2018, if I remember correctly. [Basically, you can read the whole book already by now, by using his personal website, combined with Medium.]

Please see attached, and please see the back side of the cover, especially the last comment there. No foreword here from some big hot shot![, who most likely does not understand the man anyway [lol]]. This man is in every way seeking the borders of everything.

However he's not full grown antifragile yet, otherwise he would have put those comments in the book as a foreword.

- - - o 0 o - - -

I have read some other comments about legs and dogs behavior related to one of the other quotes on the backside of the cover, however I'll leave it up to your self to find those comments, because Dough, the OP in this topic - has asked in the topic title to keep the jokes PC.

Woof
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on January 06, 2018, 08:13:51 AM
Here are my New Year resolutions, ranked:

1. Try to find a way to help DooDiligence to get out from Guantanamo [He is incarcerated there as a "hostile combatant", because of his tweets to Mr. Trump ... - didn't you know that there is Internet connection at Guantanamo for the incarcerated there?]
2. To stay out of jail myself.
3. If I fail on #2, try again!
4. Keep my phone updated, ref. the discussion in the Intel topic. Here the correct security settings:


(https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/phone_security.png)
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on January 06, 2018, 07:31:55 PM
I blocked Trump a long time ago.

(http://uglymule.com/images/Plane-Go-Down.gif)
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on January 12, 2018, 11:05:00 AM
Time for some banking humor:

A Pet Piggybank Really Hams up in Santander Bank's Adorable New Ad (http://www.adweek.com/creativity/a-pet-piggybank-really-hams-it-up-in-santander-banks-adorable-new-ad/).

Then please scroll down a bit, and enjoy the new Santander video ads:

"You've got the shaft"
"You've been fleeced"
"You've been hosed"
"You've got Jack A**"
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on March 01, 2018, 02:19:45 PM
This is the joke of the day: My own English spelling!

A few days ago I found out, the I've missed the "c" in "acquisition" - and that pretty consistently! - Please feel free to call me out on my spelling. - I will prefer that you do it by PM, however. I'm here to learn.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on March 01, 2018, 02:48:47 PM
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have a dinner with her parents.  Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
 
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.  At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.  The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
 
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
 
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.  The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
 
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
 
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
 
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on March 03, 2018, 11:20:06 AM
An engineer, a physicist, and an economist find themselves shipwrecked on a desert island with nothing to eat but a sealed can of beans. How to get at the beans? The engineer proposes breaking the can open on a rock. The physicist suggests heating the can in the sun until it bursts. The economist's approach: "First, assume we have a can opener…."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on March 03, 2018, 12:41:49 PM
You basically just "stole" [erhh, somehow] my first macro economist joke in this topic, boilermaker! -Let me just say that I'm far from amused ... [ ; - ) ].

- - - o 0 o - - -

Here is another one, and this an IRL experience of my own. On my bachelor study in economics I was taught Keynesian Macro in the years 1978-79 by a Danish professor. He was just soo good, and funny! His name is Lars Matthiesen, I think he is retired now [he must be]. Under time span of running the class that I was in, he got appointed as member of the Danish Economic Counsils (https://www.dors.dk/english). That was a pretty big thing back then, all over in the local printed papers [There were none else then].

So, at the first class session after his appointment, he was met by standing applause by his students. He was both happy and proud of that, I could see.

Then one student asked: "How did it happen?"

He replied: "I got a letter from our Danish Prime Minister." [Meaning: "This is invitation only, & based on merit/quality of work."]

Then another student asked: "Did you go through an interview?"

He: "Well, they actually did not really ask me any questions, it was more some kind of friendly talk with the other council members about going forward, concluding and summing all the talk up with: "We justed wanted to actually see, that you have both your arms.""

The student: "Huh? - Do you care to elaborate?"

He: "In "macro", you really need to have both your arms! You know - You say "On one hand..." - and then you have to do this particular move with one of your arms,-, and then you say " ..., on the other hand ..." - and if then your other arm is not there to do that particular move, - you'll never get your message through!"

- - - o 0 o - - -

Many times since then, now many years ago, I have thought about this exchange of words. Get out of it what you do/want. To me, it has basically now boiled down to: "Push hard, but don't take yourself too seriously."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: york on March 07, 2018, 03:13:10 PM
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today, everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Spekulatius on March 08, 2018, 11:08:42 AM


I know someone who did precisely that. Missed exit on the freeway so backed up and took the exit.

It’s  a big deal in Germany, but not in Long Island. I have seen it quite a few times, since I moved there. I don’t know if those drivers are Jews or Italians or just the regular natives. 8)
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on March 08, 2018, 11:29:06 AM
WORDS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
 
WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
 
 WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and would hate to look like a real Fool!
7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on March 09, 2018, 09:49:59 AM
How come this one somehow reminds me of some days at CoBF? - Just kidding & joking! [- I'm just such a troublemaker!]


(https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/background_apps.png)




Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on April 07, 2018, 01:04:32 PM
Life is when you get a call from a former colleague, who wants help to get Outlook up running on a gmail account on her private computer - to absolutely no avail, and afterwards, you ask:

Me: "Hey, [obviously] I coulden't help you here ... - but perhaps you can help me?!"

She:  "What's your problem?"

Me: "You know, I operate daily, based on two laptops, with two wireless mice and and one wireless keyboard connected to each laptop. To each laptop I have a Logitech M570 mouse connected - since about two years. Those mice have become harder and harder to use. How do I rinse them?"

She: "-Just pop out the balls from beneath, rinse, and pop the balls back in again!"

Me: "Thanks!" - <While at the same time wondering about the articles from The Economist worrying about world wide fertility decline>.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on April 26, 2018, 12:53:02 PM
Post by Jurgis in the BOLL.PA - Bollore topic today:

As Bloomberg says, this is likely a common scare tactics of French police/authorities. They arrest a bigwig financier and let them sweat a bit for a day or so. (I sometimes wish US FBI/etc. did this too ;)). So it might be opportunity to buy (more).

I might be more concerned with succession than with the arrest, although who knows.

I sold most/all of my shares in ODET.PA. It is likely a mistake on price though, so don't follow me.  8)

I speculate, that this French public action is not even Saudian inspired, but actually Danish inspired! I think it happened here first! That's just how one handles troublemakers in general ... I'm not even close to a a bigwig financier ... - I think the tactics works on just about everyone considered a troublemaker.

- Personally, I'm also more concerned with the succession issue, than the arrest as such!

[Please don't take this post too seriously.]
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on April 27, 2018, 08:04:01 AM
Life is when you get a call from a former colleague, who wants help to get Outlook up running on a gmail account on her private computer - to absolutely no avail, and afterwards, you ask:

Me: "Hey, [obviously] I coulden't help you here ... - but perhaps you can help me?!"

She:  "What's your problem?"

Me: "You know, I operate daily, based on two laptops, with two wireless mice and and one wireless keyboard connected to each laptop. To each laptop I have a Logitech M570 mouse connected - since about two years. Those mice have become harder and harder to use. How do I rinse them?"

She: "-Just pop out the balls from beneath, rinse, and pop the balls back in again!"

Me: "Thanks!" - <While at the same time wondering about the articles from The Economist worrying about world wide fertility decline>.


With everything done with lasers now the younger generations will never know what it is like to need to clean the lint off of mouse balls in order to continue working.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on May 02, 2018, 01:23:06 PM
Recently, I've got a good laugh from reading CoBF just about every day! - Personally, I just love it! A good laugh every day makes you wealthy!

Recent posts here on CoBF, posted in topics perhaps without interest for you:

From the "What are you buying today" topic:

bought some BUD today

The stock or the product?

From the Softbank topic:


https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2018-01-30/softbank-invests-300-million-into-dog-walking-startup-wag (https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2018-01-30/softbank-invests-300-million-into-dog-walking-startup-wag)

What a legend


I'm confused by this one too, but I don't own a dog.


---


On another note:

"Then there was the time in 2001, when Mr. Son threatened to set himself on fire in the offices of the ministry unless an official prodded telecom giant Nippon Telegraph & Telephone to lease optical-fiber lines to SoftBank, for a broadband network it was building."

https://blogs.wsj.com/japanrealtime/2013/12/14/why-regulators-dont-scare-softbanks-masayoshi-son/ (https://blogs.wsj.com/japanrealtime/2013/12/14/why-regulators-dont-scare-softbanks-masayoshi-son/)


You never own a dog, the dog owns you. Most humans just haven’t it figured out yet.


I thought this was only true with cats.  8)


With regard to the last one, I actually enjoy my location at the lowest level in the hierarchy - below the Ruler of the House & the cat, equipped with the automated payments related to the household.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on May 05, 2018, 12:47:40 AM
Here (https://twitter.com/morganhousel/status/992467037967540225) is a damn good tweet by Morgan Housel, relevant for today. - Please enjoy some of the comments, too. Some of them are really hilarious!
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on May 18, 2018, 11:50:06 AM
A thirty-something, single women was walking on the beach with her dog. She was thinking about how she had not been successful in romance when she came upon a bottle lying on the sand. She opened it and a genie popped out and said "I will grant you one wish, anything you want." She asked to have her dog transformed into a handsome man who would love her.

She raced home with her new man. They went into the bedroom and she took off her clothes. The man then said, “I bet you now wish you had never gotten me fixed!”
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on May 18, 2018, 01:24:22 PM
A 3 legged dog walks into a bar & the bartender asks "how can I help you?"

The dog says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

---

The following jokes are courtesy of the late great Mitch Hedberg:

A woman asked me if I had a girlfriend & I said,
"No, but I do know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that."

-

"If you are flammable & have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

-

I once had a parrot but he died because he did not know how to say "I'm hungry."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: doughishere on May 18, 2018, 02:15:02 PM
this one was on a tweep the other day.

"Woman on the dating app asked about my parents and i told her my dad was a navy man named crunch and she replied “oh cool” so now i’m trapped in a web of lies where i’ve said my father is captain crunch."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on May 18, 2018, 02:47:44 PM
this one was on a tweep the other day.

"Woman on the dating app asked about my parents and i told her my dad was a navy man named crunch and she replied “oh cool” so now i’m trapped in a web of lies where i’ve said my father is captain crunch."

I would run off any cook who bought Captain Crunch for my vessel.
It's bad luck onboard.

 ???
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: LC on May 18, 2018, 08:07:41 PM
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on May 18, 2018, 11:56:29 PM
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on May 19, 2018, 01:40:59 AM
I read some WFC bashing a few days ago:


Wells Fargo in the news again for acting improper.  This is getting pretty ridiculous---no way a sane person would do business with these guys. 

This is like dating the good looking girl who has temperamental issues but saying the sex is worth it.


It is worth it.


Not if you get an STD and that's what this specific lady has lol


It's not nice to talk this way about a Lady, especially not when the Lady is of a certain age. Please remember, this Lady was born in 1852.

To me, WFC is actually very shareholder friendly. Not many companies provide you with the feature of getting your name included in the company name instantly, when you buy the stock. [Ref. "& Co."]. The same when you sell the stock - You get excluded from the name of the company instantly.

- - - o 0 o - - -

Perhaps this could be an idea for a shareholder proposal at the next AGM in BH: Name change from "Biglari Holdings" to "Biglari & Co. Holdings". I think it would be fun to read about Mr. Biglari's reaction to that at the AGM on here.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: LC on May 20, 2018, 03:20:58 PM
Once there lived a beautiful Queen with incredibly large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about this, and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.

Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your bills !!

Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on May 20, 2018, 03:39:41 PM
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

Your genie joke tops my genie joke; good one!
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: LC on May 20, 2018, 05:24:02 PM
I take no credit, I am a shameless thief :D
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on May 20, 2018, 06:27:13 PM
I take no credit, I am a shameless thief :D

Ditto for me!
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: writser on May 21, 2018, 12:41:23 AM
A German gets pulled over by the police in France.
Police officer: “Name?”
German: “Gunther Heinrichs.”
Police officer: “Age?”
German: “35.”
Police officer: “Occupation?”
German: “No, no, just visiting.”
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on May 29, 2018, 02:39:58 PM
A German gets pulled over by the police in France.
Police officer: “Name?”
German: “Gunther Heinrichs.”
Police officer: “Age?”
German: “35.”
Police officer: “Occupation?”
German: “No, no, just visiting.”

You cracked me up, writser! [Please remember, I'm a Dane. [I'm actually concieved in Germany.]]

- - - o 0 o - - -

Here (https://twitter.com/AndreasSteno/status/1001469651321282560) is a tweet by Andreas Steno Larsen of today. He's a senior global FX/FI strategist at Nordea Markets. Today he has obviously developed a pet theory based on technical analysis, that there is an important support-level just south of Naples.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on June 03, 2018, 01:01:00 PM
Somehow, the discussion in the BAC topic recently made me google "Bank Investing 101" today. I came up with this: The Motley Fool: John A. Howard [February 23rd 2007: Bank Investing 101 - Tips for the novice bank investor (https://www.fool.com/investingidends-income/2007/02/23/bank-investing-101.aspx).

I admit, that the section headline in the article a bit down : "Earnings growth: your "get out of jail free" card" caught my attention.

- - - o 0 o - - -

Then, a bit later today, I found a much more efficient explanation, that will explain it all - only by the use of a fraction of your time: The gif in this tweet (https://twitter.com/PopularPups/status/1003161257317298176).

In short:

1. You buy,
2. You find out, that you've got it [perhaps totally] wrong [I sure hope not],
3. Then you start sliding, like on black ice, desperately fighting to keep your legs beneath you,
4. Finally, and eventually, your legs disappear beneath you, and you end up sitting on your genitales. The sliding just continues downhill, and the only thing you end up thinking about is how rough is the terrain your're entering on your downhill slide.

- - - o 0 o - - -

gifs don't contain sound, but just think of it like "Ouch - ouch - ouch!".

- - - o 0 o - - -

The face expression of this poor dog in the end of the gif is like mine just after the surprise directed capital raise in SAN in the autumn 2014, diluting a lot of investors, who did not get the opportunity to participate.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on June 06, 2018, 01:08:00 PM
I picked up a hitchhiker the other day and he was surprised that anyone would pick him up at all. 
He asked "Why did you pick me up? How did you know I wasn't a serial killer?"
I told him because the chances that two serial killers would be in the same car are astronomical.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Jurgis on June 06, 2018, 02:29:18 PM
I nearly invested in this Egyptian tourism business, but then I realized it was just a pyramid scheme.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on June 07, 2018, 08:14:38 AM
I nearly invested in this Egyptian tourism business, but then I realized it was just a pyramid scheme.

(http://uglymule.com/images/CamelRider.jpg)

I bought the Giza pyramids back in 1998 & here's me & my agent getting ready to go to the closing.
He was much better as a sales agent than he is as a property manager.
I still haven't received any rent checks & think I've got squatters.

BTW, nice mullet, huh?
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Jurgis on June 07, 2018, 08:50:29 AM
I bought the Giza pyramids back in 1998 & here's me & my agent getting ready to go to the closing.
He was much better as a sales agent than he is as a property manager.
I still haven't received any rent checks & think I've got squatters.

I hate to tell this to you, but I think your renters are dead. Maybe even mummified.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: randomep on June 07, 2018, 09:08:04 AM
Life is when you get a call from a former colleague, who wants help to get Outlook up running on a gmail account on her private computer - to absolutely no avail, and afterwards, you ask:

Me: "Hey, [obviously] I coulden't help you here ... - but perhaps you can help me?!"

She:  "What's your problem?"

Me: "You know, I operate daily, based on two laptops, with two wireless mice and and one wireless keyboard connected to each laptop. To each laptop I have a Logitech M570 mouse connected - since about two years. Those mice have become harder and harder to use. How do I rinse them?"

She: "-Just pop out the balls from beneath, rinse, and pop the balls back in again!"

Me: "Thanks!" - <While at the same time wondering about the articles from The Economist worrying about world wide fertility decline>.


With everything done with lasers now the younger generations will never know what it is like to need to clean the lint off of mouse balls in order to continue working.

Honestly I don't get it...... :)

BTW I still use one with a ball..... it works better
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: LC on June 07, 2018, 09:24:11 AM
A husband, wife, and their nine children are waiting at a bus stop. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "You know if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick I wouldn't have to listen to that tapping." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the damn bus."

Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: LC on June 07, 2018, 01:22:01 PM
The word asparagus is funny.

It sounds like an italian guy asking you to spare a guy named gus.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: nickenumbers on June 07, 2018, 01:28:58 PM
I nearly invested in this Egyptian tourism business, but then I realized it was just a pyramid scheme.

That is funny!!!  I don't care....Jurgis gets full marks! A+  that was funny!!!!!!!!!

 :) ;) ;D

Pyramid scheme.!!~~  [Finance joke]   Private message me if you want me to explain it.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on June 08, 2018, 04:14:20 PM
Posted by Cigarbutt in the topic about Joel's Essay on the Big Four US Banks, posting it here, not to derail Joel's topic about the Essay:

... So are Danes contrarians or simply too conservative?
https://finance.yahoo.com/news/richer-ever-danes-sitting-wealth-100000906.html (https://finance.yahoo.com/news/richer-ever-danes-sitting-wealth-100000906.html) ...

I'm just trying here to answer your question short, hopefully without derailing the topic from its scope [Joel's essay on the Big Four U.S. banks] too much: Financial illiteracy and stupidity is still doing very well in general here, as it has always done, through every cycle. This time, the long term memory from "last time" somehow seems more intact than before, generating a new kind of stupidity: About DKK 800 B in the Danish banks pulling absolutely nothing, getting eaten up by Danish inflation at about 2 percent. The Danish banks got fixed during the GFC basically US style - I don't have count on the neck shots - they were many.

Add to that a good deal of home bias for those, that invest, I think.

To me, we have a huge problem here with equal treatment of genders in our banks. [May 2018 has been the warmest May month ever recorded here in Denmark - it does not seem to come to an end.] I have noticed that the majority of Danish male bankers use shoes from Lloyd, still in the heat, basically making them thread waters in the heat, inside their shoes. Shoes from Lloyd are fairly good, but bricks compared to some high quality stuff from an Italian shoemaker [i.e. Moreschi], who know how get get it right and comfortable for warm climate. So I end up thinking this guy I'm talking with is an economic idiot too [without knowing the exact reason why, be it mortgage on a too large house, perhaps a too large car [or two], too many kids, or a wife with a shopping gene, or whatever.]

Female bankers, however are here in Denmark allowed a dress code, that includes so called "open shoes" and even sandals.To me, it's an unfair internal competitive advantage during heat & drought. They [the women] get the opportunity to steal with their toes too during bank opening hours. It's simply not fair.

Banking is basically theft at full daylight. It has always been. It's set into a system - now for several centuries - with oversight, regulation and such - now, to the extent, that seems absurd.

I just happen to hate banks. I suppose that's also why I have invested in some of them.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Cigarbutt on June 09, 2018, 06:11:51 AM
"Banking is basically theft at full daylight. It has always been. It's set into a system - now for several centuries - with oversight, regulation and such - now, to the extent, that seems absurd.

I just happen to hate banks. I suppose that's also why I have invested in some of them."

Very reasonable.
Hate them or love them, debt is addictive and the House always wins.

-What's the problem with banker jokes?
Bankers don't think they're funny and mainstreet people don't think they're jokes.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Jurgis on June 19, 2018, 03:58:09 PM
https://qz.com/1308730/modern-pandas-should-have-died-out-years-ago/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wI6a1t-M_48
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: doughishere on June 19, 2018, 04:00:12 PM
I nearly invested in this Egyptian tourism business, but then I realized it was just a pyramid scheme.


I bought the Giza pyramids back in 1998 & here's me & my agent getting ready to go to the closing.
He was much better as a sales agent than he is as a property manager.
I still haven't received any rent checks & think I've got squatters.

BTW, nice mullet, huh?


A+ mullet. Or should I say rad mullet, man.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on June 24, 2018, 07:08:22 AM
Just a friendly reminder here to all CoBF members investing in banks at the moment: Please remember your auto reply, when we start backsliding into the next turmoil/crisis!
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Liberty on July 08, 2018, 04:59:33 AM
A mathematician wakes up to find his house on fire. He frantically looks around before seeing the fire extinguisher on the far wall of the room. "Aha!" he says, "a solution exists!" and goes back to sleep.
-- Popular math students' joke
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on July 20, 2018, 03:22:44 AM
Bay Street vs Wall Street according to growth investors, and some other stuff.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on July 20, 2018, 09:22:29 AM
A Russian man finds a bottle with a genie in it. Genie says "I will grant you anything you desire, but whatever I give you your neighbor will get double."

The man thinks for a second then says to the genie "Take out one of my eyes."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: LC on August 02, 2018, 08:38:32 PM
A young woman alone in New York...

Was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on August 03, 2018, 06:21:40 AM
A young woman alone in New York...

Was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Now that's funny  ;D
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on August 24, 2018, 05:42:23 AM
From the Tesla topic:

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-45292028

Look out Telsa

"The firm behind the famous AK-47 assault rifle presented the eggshell-blue prototype vehicle, the CV-1, at an event near the capital, Moscow."

They need a new manager for their product design team.

Yes, that is one ugly car! You couldn't do worse if you tried to design an ugly car.

Edit: It make the Bolt look sexy!

It's Russian Retro from the '70s! - I suppose Western car collectors would get emotional, and begin crying & buying, if it ever hits production environment, a bit like pet lovers resqueing mistreated pets from a sinister & gruesome future.


https://driving.ca/auto-news/news/motor-mouth-mean-tweets-at-the-expense-of-tesla

Just hilarious

I speculate the reporter David Booth got it wrong here. To me it looks like the result of Garfield chasing the Tesla the way he was taught by Odie.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Jurgis on October 30, 2018, 06:37:05 AM
A guy comes into shrink's office and says: "Doctor, I think I'm a twin pack of laundry detergent!"

Doctor says: "Relax, you're just too tight".
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: nickenumbers on October 30, 2018, 09:18:38 AM
Elon Musk is planning to open a super amazing bar/club on the moon.

I heard the design of the bar is incredible, but that the place has no ATMOSPHERE....!!!!!!

 :) ;) :D ;D :P
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on November 30, 2018, 10:13:30 AM
Posted by Cigarbutt in the new TRV topic today:

... For now, I'm not planning to buy but have put it on a list for the fiduciaries in case I die suddenly (I also should prepare in case of senility but count on writser to settle the record straight in due course).

No worries, Cigarbutt. The solution to your concerns is already posted by Mike [Boilermaker] in this topic somewhere: You simply assume yourself out of that particular future situation.

- - - o 0 o - - -

Sent from my Commodore 64. [<- Just to keep up appearance with those fellow board members actively posting about AAPL and all the great products from this particular company.]
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on November 30, 2018, 10:32:43 AM
My insurance company has notified all of its customers that if your tent is stolen while camping you are no longer covered.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Jurgis on November 30, 2018, 11:30:16 AM
But when police find an escaped prisoner camping in a forest, they have a clear case of a criminal in tent.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Cigarbutt on November 30, 2018, 11:44:06 AM
My insurance company has notified all of its customers that if your tent is stolen while camping you are no longer covered.
"Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were out on a hike. They had been going all day, so they decided to make camp and stay for the night. They both woke up at 3 AM.
Holmes said, look up Watson what can you see?
Judging from the position of the stars, it looks like it’s about 3 AM
What else Watson?
It looks like it will be a beautiful day tomorrow
What else Watson?
What am I supposed to see Holmes?
Elementary my dear Watson, someone stole our tent"
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on December 11, 2018, 07:19:31 AM
CANADIAN:  Let's watch a movie.

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What's that about?

AMERICAN:  Yes, it was. A huge one that sank.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: LC on December 11, 2018, 08:50:02 AM
A Buddhist goes up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything"

He gives the guy $10 bucks and gets a massive hot dog back. "What about my change?"

The hot dog guy replies, "Change comes from within"
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Jurgis on December 11, 2018, 03:17:57 PM
A Buddhist goes up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything"

He gives the guy $10 bucks and gets a massive hot dog back. "What about my change?"

The hot dog guy replies, "Change comes from within"

http://www.stumbles.org.uk/John/rec/buddha.html
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: jobyts on December 11, 2018, 06:43:25 PM
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them
say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come
together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I
come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives, "
 
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell *'Mississippi'."

Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: LC on December 11, 2018, 09:51:09 PM
Three construction workers: an italian guy, a chinese guy, and an irish guy are sitting up on one of the beams of the empire state building during its construction, thousands of feet above the street below, having their lunch.

The italian guy opens his lunchbox. "Ah spaghetti and meatballs again! If my wife cooks this one more time, I'm jumping off this damn beam!!"

The chinese guy opens his: "Lo mein again!! Dammit, if my wife cooks me this one more time, I'm jumping off too!"

The irish guy does the same, sure enough: "corned beef again! Dammit if my wife cooks me this again, I'm jumping with you guys!"

The next day, sure enough: spaghetti and meatballs - off goes the italian. Lo mein - off goes the chinese guy. And shortly followed by the irishman and his corned beef sandwich.

A few days later at the funerals, the three wives are grieving together. "Oh my god", says the italian's wife. "I knew I shouldn't have cooked him spaghetti and meatballs again."

"It was all my fault", says the chinese guy's wife, "If only I hadn't cooked him lo mein!"

Finally the irish guy's wife:

"I don't get it... he makes his own lunch!"
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Jurgis on December 12, 2018, 07:53:20 AM
Three construction workers: an italian guy, a chinese guy, and an irish guy are sitting up on one of the beams of the empire state building during its construction, thousands of feet above the street below, having their lunch.

The italian guy opens his lunchbox. "Ah spaghetti and meatballs again! If my wife cooks this one more time, I'm jumping off this damn beam!!"

The chinese guy opens his: "Lo mein again!! Dammit, if my wife cooks me this one more time, I'm jumping off too!"

The irish guy does the same, sure enough: "corned beef again! Dammit if my wife cooks me this again, I'm jumping with you guys!"

The next day, sure enough: spaghetti and meatballs - off goes the italian. Lo mein - off goes the chinese guy. And shortly followed by the irishman and his corned beef sandwich.

A few days later at the funerals, the three wives are grieving together. "Oh my god", says the italian's wife. "I knew I shouldn't have cooked him spaghetti and meatballs again."

"It was all my fault", says the chinese guy's wife, "If only I hadn't cooked him lo mein!"

Finally the irish guy's wife:

"I don't get it... he makes his own lunch!"

Male solidarity trumps these pesky details!
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: ERICOPOLY on December 12, 2018, 07:22:54 PM
CANADIAN:  Let's watch a movie.

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What's that about?

AMERICAN:  Yes, it was. A huge one that sank.

So true.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on December 13, 2018, 06:14:09 AM
CANADIAN:  Let's watch a movie.

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What's that about?

AMERICAN:  Yes, it was. A huge one that sank.

So true.

Listening to British people is even worse.  I was watching the British series "Bodyguard" on Netflix and it drove me crazy.  The main character's superior is a woman and he constantly called her Ma'am, but all I heard was "Yes Mom", "No Mom", "Thank you Mom", "Right away Mom", etc.  It was just so weird hearing him constantly call her Mom.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on December 22, 2018, 08:09:15 AM
This (http://www.cornerofberkshireandfairfax.ca/forum/general-discussion/oil-wow-wtf-happened-to-all-of-the-oil-bugs-on-this-site/msg355761/#msg355761):

Wall Street Is the John

Johns create the demand (Wall Street keeps giving money to the drillers)

Please keep me out of this. [Sorry, I couldn't help it.] [<- What smiley is appropriate here?]

Just keep creating the demand and we'll leave you alone.

socalled MA humor is soo relentless and harsh, that I'm now going to dig up that particular hurt feelings report posted somewhere by Jeff [DooDiligence], which will be filled and filed at Sanjeev!

- Just to give Sanjeev a good laugh, too ...!
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on December 22, 2018, 06:08:14 PM
CANADIAN:  Let's watch a movie.

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What's that about?

AMERICAN:  Yes, it was. A huge one that sank.

So true.

Listening to British people is even worse.  I was watching the British series "Bodyguard" on Netflix and it drove me crazy.  The main character's superior is a woman and he constantly called her Ma'am, but all I heard was "Yes Mom", "No Mom", "Thank you Mom", "Right away Mom", etc.  It was just so weird hearing him constantly call her Mom.

Same if you watch Inspector Lewis.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on December 24, 2018, 07:05:59 AM
This (http://www.cornerofberkshireandfairfax.ca/forum/general-discussion/oil-wow-wtf-happened-to-all-of-the-oil-bugs-on-this-site/msg355761/#msg355761):

Wall Street Is the John

Johns create the demand (Wall Street keeps giving money to the drillers)

Please keep me out of this. [Sorry, I couldn't help it.] [<- What smiley is appropriate here?]

Just keep creating the demand and we'll leave you alone.

socalled MA humor is soo relentless and harsh, that I'm now going to dig up that particular hurt feelings report posted somewhere by Jeff [DooDiligence], which will be filled and filed at Sanjeev!

- Just to give Sanjeev a good laugh, too ...!
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: SmoothSailor on December 24, 2018, 07:15:43 AM
Here's a conversation between a young daughter and her mother:

Daughter: Mommy, how old are you?

Mom: It's not polite to ask a woman her age!

Daughter: Mommy, how much do you weigh?

Mom: It's not polite to ask a woman how much she weighs!

Daughter: Mommy, how come you and Daddy got a divorce?

Mom: Someday when you're older, we can talk about it.

Daughter goes through mom's purse when mom isn't looking...

Daughter: Mommy I know how old you are, you're 32!

Mom: Yes, but how did you know?

Daughter: I saw it on your driver's license. I also know that you weigh 145lbs!

Mom: Yes... okay...

Daughter: And I know why daddy left you, because you got an F in sex!
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Jurgis on December 24, 2018, 01:36:12 PM
https://www.technologyreview.com/s/612644/we-tried-teaching-an-ai-to-write-christmas-movie-plots-hilarity-ensued-eventually/
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on December 26, 2018, 05:43:00 PM
The bartender says "We don't serve time travellers in here."
A guy walks into a bar.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on December 27, 2018, 07:13:17 AM
  Two obnoxious businessmen in a new shopping mall were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop.
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
"What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, "Must be doing well, only two left."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on December 28, 2018, 01:55:38 PM
Mr Singh walks into a bank London and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Singh hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million pounds.

“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says Mr Singh, “and I have all the necessary papers.”

The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After Mr Singh leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a £5,000 loan.

One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, Mr Singh returns, repays the £5000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

The man replies, "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41?"
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on January 04, 2019, 04:45:03 PM
Today, I've had an exchange on Twitter with Gísly [CoBF member: Sportsgamma], that I consider worth repeating here :

Gísly:

Quote
There are two types of people in this world: People who finish what they start

<Please put in here some kind of amusement expressed by me>

After which I got this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSacz4GHQjs) from Gísly.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on January 08, 2019, 07:19:44 AM
The Devil shows up in a crowed church and everyone runs out screaming except one old man.

The Devil says to the man "Why don't you run? Aren't you afraid of me?"

The man replies, "Nope, I married your sister!"
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: ERICOPOLY on January 08, 2019, 07:51:13 AM
The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That's correct." She then turns to Flora and says, "First, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a BIG disappointment."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on January 08, 2019, 08:56:52 AM
IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.
 
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
 WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
 WITNESS: My name is Susan!ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
          he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
 WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
 WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
 WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
 WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
 WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
 WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
 WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
          Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
 WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
 WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
 WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
          notice which I sent to your attorney?
 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
          people?
 WITNESS: All of them ... The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
 WITNESS: Oral ...

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
 WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
 WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
          the autopsy?
 WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: LC on January 16, 2019, 09:26:30 PM
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire"

Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!"

Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"

Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on January 17, 2019, 06:38:39 AM
  As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
  As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
  I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. and as
I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
  As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
  Apparently I'm still lost....
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on January 17, 2019, 04:41:43 PM
  As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
  As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
  I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. and as
I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
  As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
  Apparently I'm still lost....

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

That one's going to be hard to top.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Alekbaylee on January 18, 2019, 06:08:15 AM
LMAO
Your moniker suits you well!  ;)
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on January 21, 2019, 08:50:58 AM
XKCD on the basics of technical analysis [Please don't take it seriously or personally, ref. some ongoing discussion here on CoBF these days]:


(https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/technical_analysis.png)
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on January 21, 2019, 10:42:56 AM
XKCD on the basics of technical analysis [Please don't take it seriously or personally, ref. some ongoing discussion here on CoBF these days]:


(https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/technical_analysis.png)

Didn't Peter Lynch call technical analysts "Wiggle Watchers"?
(I always thought that was funny.)

and then there's this,

"Technical analysis is to trading what astrology is to science"

from

https://www.fscomeau.com/why-technical-analysis-is-bullshit/

 ;)
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on January 21, 2019, 10:58:43 AM
XKCD on the basics of technical analysis [Please don't take it seriously or personally, ref. some ongoing discussion here on CoBF these days]:


(https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/technical_analysis.png)

Didn't Peter Lynch call technical analysts "Wiggle Watchers"?
(I always thought that was funny.)

and then there's this,

"Technical analysis is to trading what astrology is to science"

from

https://www.fscomeau.com/why-technical-analysis-is-bullshit/

 ;)

Humans are pattern seekers.  If you believe that patterns exist in the data, then you can easily convince yourself that you see them.  And humans are social creatures, so if other people tell you that there are patterns in the data, then you can easily convince yourself that you see them too.
No different than seeing Jesus on toast.


EDIT: The fascinating thing about technical analysis, is that if enough people believe that such and such a pattern means that the stock will go up and they start to buy, the stock will go up.  And conversely if enough people think that the stock will go down because of the pattern and thus they sell and/or short it, the stock will go down.  It has a self-fulfilling aspect to it.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Liberty on January 22, 2019, 09:56:26 AM
A man comes to the rabbi and complains about his life: "I have almost no money, my wife is a shrew, and we live in a small apartment with seven unruly kids. It's messy, it's noisy, it's smelly, and I don't want to live."
The rabbi says, "Buy a goat."
"What? I just told you there's hardly room for nine people, and it's messy as it is!"
"Look, you came for advice, so I'm giving you advice. Buy a goat and come back in a month."
In a month the man comes back and he is even more depressed: "It's gotten worse! The filthy goat breaks everything, and it stinks and makes more noise than my wife and seven kids! What should I do?"
The rabbi says, "Sell the goat."
A few days later the man returns to the rabbi, beaming with happiness: "Life is wonderful! We enjoy every minute of it now that there's no goat - only the nine of us. The kids are well-behaved, the wife is agreeable - and we even have some money!"
 -- traditional Jewish joke
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on January 22, 2019, 10:20:33 AM
A man comes to the rabbi and complains about his life: "I have almost no money, my wife is a shrew, and we live in a small apartment with seven unruly kids. It's messy, it's noisy, it's smelly, and I don't want to live."
The rabbi says, "Buy a goat."
"What? I just told you there's hardly room for nine people, and it's messy as it is!"
"Look, you came for advice, so I'm giving you advice. Buy a goat and come back in a month."
In a month the man comes back and he is even more depressed: "It's gotten worse! The filthy goat breaks everything, and it stinks and makes more noise than my wife and seven kids! What should I do?"
The rabbi says, "Sell the goat."
A few days later the man returns to the rabbi, beaming with happiness: "Life is wonderful! We enjoy every minute of it now that there's no goat - only the nine of us. The kids are well-behaved, the wife is agreeable - and we even have some money!"
 -- traditional Jewish joke

Great story, it is so true.  One day in 2012 I came home from work and my wife told me that she bought two goats on craigslist and they were being dropped off in about 20 minutes.  She wasn't kidding either.  I spent that 20 minutes clearing about a space in the barn for them (we had just moved into the house and the barn was a complete mess).    We had the goats for about two years then donated them to a local farm.   I really liked the goats, they were like pets.
 But I also hated them as much as I liked them.  Only a goat owner could understand.  In the end we just had to get rid of them.

Attached is a photo of the goats shortly after we got them playing near the chicken-house, eating from the apple tree (that they would shortly kill) inside the electric fence that wouldn't even come close to keeping them in.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Liberty on January 22, 2019, 10:58:46 AM
Nice goats
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on January 22, 2019, 12:04:58 PM
Nice goats

Thanks, they were tough though.  They are incredibly smart and stubborn, two qualities that make it very tough to keep them.  That fence was my first attempt at keeping them in and it failed miserably.  I thought I could just put up some electric wires and that would hold them. Nope.  Then I drove posts into the ground and used a heavy gauge chicken wire.  They just climbed over it.  Then I put the electric fence on the inside of that fence, they tunneled under it.  Then I buried the wire fence 1 ft into the ground, but they pulled it out and got under it. Then I drove 6 foot steal re-bar every 2 ft and tied the wire to it.  That stopped them for the most part, but they still climbed out once in a while electric shocks be damned.  And the horse gate I had, they learned how to unlatch it with their mouth just by watching me, I had to put a spring loaded clip on the chain to make it secure.  It was a constant battle.   Sometimes they would refuse to go in at night and it would literally take hours.  Other times they were sweet and lovable and you could walk them around the neighborhood on leashes like dogs.  If they got mad at you though, they'd hold a grudge and not listen to you for days.  If they were angry at me, I'd have to have my wife put them out in the morning and bring them in at night. And when they were angry at her I'd have to do it. We had 30 chickens, 2 rabbits,  and a dog, which were all easy as can be, but the goats where just a constant headache.  They ate everything too.  All that grass and the trees you see inside that fenced area was completely gone the first summer.  Every time they got out they would demolish our vegetable garden and flower gardens.  As fun as they are at times, I wouldn't recommend anyone keep goats.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on January 22, 2019, 01:08:58 PM
It's hilarious to read your posts about goats here, rkbabang! [ : - D]

-As good as reading any good joke! - Personally, I have one IRL, too, about a goat, from when I was a kid. Are we [that means you, not me!] up for more?
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: nickenumbers on January 22, 2019, 01:29:20 PM
Shit just GOAT serious up in here.  I feel baaaaaad...   Rkbabang, can you please upload some videos of these goats..??  [I am peeing myself imagining all this fence business..]
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: BG2008 on January 22, 2019, 01:53:00 PM
Grammar Nazis be damned!  Say all the "b" out loud. 

I climb out of the tomb and my thumb went numb.  I had my doubts but I ate the crumbs anyway.  Those who have wombs tend to use combs.  I am in debt and I am not subtle about it.       
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on January 22, 2019, 02:01:03 PM
I'm sure I have some video of them somewhere.  I'll have to look and I'll post it if I find it.  In the mean time, this is Landon and Bailey all dressed up for the Christmas card pictures.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: SHDL on January 23, 2019, 01:02:25 PM
Nice goats

Thanks, they were tough though.  They are incredibly smart and stubborn, two qualities that make it very tough to keep them.  That fence was my first attempt at keeping them in and it failed miserably.  I thought I could just put up some electric wires and that would hold them. Nope.  Then I drove posts into the ground and used a heavy gauge chicken wire.  They just climbed over it.  Then I put the electric fence on the inside of that fence, they tunneled under it.  Then I buried the wire fence 1 ft into the ground, but they pulled it out and got under it. Then I drove 6 foot steal re-bar every 2 ft and tied the wire to it.  That stopped them for the most part, but they still climbed out once in a while electric shocks be damned.  And the horse gate I had, they learned how to unlatch it with their mouth just by watching me, I had to put a spring loaded clip on the chain to make it secure.  It was a constant battle.   Sometimes they would refuse to go in at night and it would literally take hours.  Other times they were sweet and lovable and you could walk them around the neighborhood on leashes like dogs.  If they got mad at you though, they'd hold a grudge and not listen to you for days.  If they were angry at me, I'd have to have my wife put them out in the morning and bring them in at night. And when they were angry at her I'd have to do it. We had 30 chickens, 2 rabbits,  and a dog, which were all easy as can be, but the goats where just a constant headache.  They ate everything too.  All that grass and the trees you see inside that fenced area was completely gone the first summer.  Every time they got out they would demolish our vegetable garden and flower gardens.  As fun as they are at times, I wouldn't recommend anyone keep goats.

Best story I read in a while.  So I shared it with my wife.

Wife:  "That sounds awfully familiar...  Were you a Capricorn by the way?"
Me:  "Yup."
Wife:  "I knew it, I just knew it."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Liberty on January 24, 2019, 11:18:12 AM
Reporter: "What's the newest thing in science?"

Scientist, feigning surprise: "Oh, so you already know all the old science?"
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: LC on January 25, 2019, 04:02:35 PM
Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

Lesson 2:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say

 

Lesson 3:

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

 

Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up

 

Lesson 5:

Power of Charisma

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there

 

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy

Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend

And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on January 26, 2019, 09:46:42 AM
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: SharperDingaan on January 27, 2019, 07:25:27 AM
Per a very funny story from the book 'Jean Cretien, My Stories, My Times'

The 1995 referendum on Quebec seperation was a very close thing, in part because Quebecers are prone to 'voting with their heart', over 'voting with their head'. Hence a good orator, of the people, speaking to the people - will often carry the day. At the time, Quebec opinion polls were consistently fluctuating around the 50% mark on a weekly basis, and there was a very real risk that Canada would seperate.

To get away from the paranoia, a prominent federalist politician in the Quebec Eastern Townships, would venture into his basement to consult with Quebecs newest citizens; a litter of 9 kittens that the family cat had just delivered. Being a good politician, he'd ask these new citizens if they thought that Quebec should seperate, and they'd all said 'Yes'. Depressed, he'd trudge back upstairs, tell his 'people', and they would fight the good fight for another week.

A month later, following his weekly 'consultation', he re-appeared at the top of the basement stairs, and announced that the consensus was now a 'No'. His 'people', were of course estatic!, and asked 'what had changed'. The reply was, 'their eyes had opened'.

Ultimately Quebec chose to stay in Canada with a a vote of 50.85%.
https://www.thecanadianencyclopedia.ca/en/article/quebec-referendum-1995

SD









 
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on January 27, 2019, 08:46:24 AM
I have always loved your - at times - harsh & dry humor - scattered all over the board, SharperDingaan,

-Please don't concentrate it here going forward! [ : - ) ]
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on February 04, 2019, 03:56:23 AM
A kindergarten teacher asks her class "Can anyone tell me what the Superbowl is?"

One little boy raises his hand and says "Yes, that's when the Patriots play their last game of their season."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on February 07, 2019, 12:58:07 PM
A good goat video for a laugh.  (Not my goats, but funny).

https://www.facebook.com/diplyhumor/videos/1826981080685833/
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: LC on February 07, 2019, 03:27:31 PM
A good goat video for a laugh.  (Not my goats, but funny).

https://www.facebook.com/diplyhumor/videos/1826981080685833/
Hahah for some reason I find goat videos absolutely hilarious.

Here's another good one:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuwprXAaSv0

(bit of foul language in that one)
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Jurgis on February 07, 2019, 04:06:30 PM
A professor at the University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, a student raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The student shuffles up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, dear, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

The student replied, "Oh no, from back there I thought you said "Goats."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on February 07, 2019, 04:25:21 PM
Goats can be assholes.
Goats are also rather tasty (I found this out in West Africa.)
Some goats are aware of being tasty & try their best to be likable.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: LC on February 15, 2019, 01:59:13 PM
The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that he would get withdrawal symptoms if he didn't play. One Yom Kippur the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser, and I'll be back in time for services."

Sure enough, at the end of the morning service, the rabbi snuck out of the synagogue and headed straight for the golf course. Looking down upon the scene were Moses and God. Moses said, "Look how terrible -- a Jew out here alone on Yom Kippur. And even worse! A rabbi!"

God replied "Watch. I'm going to teach him a lesson."

The rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it careened off a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole for a hole in one!

Seeing all this, Moses protested. "God, is this how you're going to teach him a lesson? He got a hole in one!"

"Sure," said God, "but who's he going to tell?"

Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on February 25, 2019, 09:01:07 AM
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
He asks "What for?"
She replies "I want to kill my husband."
He says "Sorry, I can't give you that."
She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.
He looks at it closely and says, "Well, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on February 26, 2019, 06:55:39 AM
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked,
"Do you have a criminal record?"
I said, "No. Is that still required?"
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: meiroy on February 26, 2019, 07:26:24 AM


lovely goats story rkbabang


A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a goat sitting next to him. "Are you a goat?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The goat replied, "Well, I liked the book."





Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DynamicPerception on February 26, 2019, 07:48:45 AM
CHINESE SAYINGS (and what they REALLY mean)

That's not right ........................... Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive? .............. Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me ASAP ................................ Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man ................................. Dum Gai
Small Horse ................................ Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? ................... Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table ............... Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift ............... Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here ..................... Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet ............... Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone .................... No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? .... Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright .................... Yu So Dum
I got this for free ........................ Ai No Pei
Please stay a while longer ................. Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week .... Wai Yu Kum Nao?
They have arrived .......................... Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight .......................... Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile ............... Wao Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive ................ Yu Stin Ki Pu
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on February 26, 2019, 08:22:26 AM
CHINESE SAYINGS (and what they REALLY mean)

That's not right ........................... Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive? .............. Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me ASAP ................................ Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man ................................. Dum Gai
Small Horse ................................ Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? ................... Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table ............... Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift ............... Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here ..................... Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet ............... Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone .................... No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? .... Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright .................... Yu So Dum
I got this for free ........................ Ai No Pei
Please stay a while longer ................. Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week .... Wai Yu Kum Nao?
They have arrived .......................... Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight .......................... Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile ............... Wao Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive ................ Yu Stin Ki Pu

I have an elderly neighbor who is originally from Taiwan, he's in his 70's but has lived in England, Canada, and the US since college.  So he speaks English very well, with only a hint of an accent.  But when he jokes around and does an exaggerated Chinese accent it is hilarious.   "Fried Rice" comes out "Flied Lice" for instance.   He just goes on and on and can keep us laughing for hours.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on June 21, 2019, 09:33:32 AM
A man walking down the street sees a young boy sitting on some steps with a huge bag of candy, popping one piece after another into his mouth and chewing furiously.   

He walks up to the boy and says "You know, if you keep eating so much candy you are going to rot your teeth out and you won't have room in your belly to eat your supper."

The boy responds: "I don't know about that, but do know that my great grandpa lived to be 102 years old!"

The man confused asked "And do you think he lived that long because he ate a lot of candy?"

The boy says "No. He lived that long because he knew how to mind his own business."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on June 22, 2019, 02:18:10 AM
"The resources sector is like a bad girlfriend. She's volatile, inconsistent, and sometimes she treats you good but most of the time she's crazy.

And while you're wasting your time with her, there's all these other beautiful women you're missing out on."

H/T Pytia Cap(ital) (https://twitter.com/PythiaR/status/1142165575650725891).
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on August 23, 2019, 09:11:29 AM
I'll just leave this here. I disagree that they are "as clever" as dogs, they are far more clever.

Goats are as loving and clever as dogs
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/07/06/goats-are-as-loving-and-clever-as-dogs-say-smitten-scientists/
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on August 23, 2019, 09:18:17 AM
I'll just leave this here. I disagree that they are "as clever" as dogs, they are far more clever.

Goats are as loving and clever as dogs
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/07/06/goats-are-as-loving-and-clever-as-dogs-say-smitten-scientists/

Crap  :-\

Goats, cows & pigs are friggin' delicious but I couldn't eat a friend.

Might have to go to chicken only.

Please don't post a lovable chicken link.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on August 23, 2019, 10:14:26 AM
I'll just leave this here. I disagree that they are "as clever" as dogs, they are far more clever.

Goats are as loving and clever as dogs
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/07/06/goats-are-as-loving-and-clever-as-dogs-say-smitten-scientists/

Crap  :-\

Goats, cows & pigs are friggin' delicious but I couldn't eat a friend.

Might have to go to chicken only.

Please don't post a lovable chicken link.

Chickens are great!   Our chickens used to jump on our laps and follow us around.  One of them was so lovable my kids used to call her lovebird.   If you raise them as chicks and hold them a lot they grow up liking to be held.   When you get them a little older they just run away from people.  All animals have "personalities". If it makes you feel better there was one chicken we had that was such a jerk we hated her and all the other chickens did too.  She was a bully and would boss all the others around.  The other chickens eventually rebelled.  One morning we found Ofelia (that was her name) with no feathers, because all of the other chickens had plucked her nude overnight.  Then they started not letting her in the chicken house, there was always at least 2 chickens guarding the entrance 24/7 so that she couldn't get in.  She would go into the woods to sleep outside and we'd try to find her before dark and put her in the chicken house.  One day we couldn't find her and we never saw her again. 
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on August 23, 2019, 10:54:31 AM
I'll just leave this here. I disagree that they are "as clever" as dogs, they are far more clever.

Goats are as loving and clever as dogs
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/07/06/goats-are-as-loving-and-clever-as-dogs-say-smitten-scientists/

Crap  :-\

Goats, cows & pigs are friggin' delicious but I couldn't eat a friend.

Might have to go to chicken only.

Please don't post a lovable chicken link.

Chickens are great!   Our chickens used to jump on our laps and follow us around.  One of them was so lovable my kids used to call her lovebird.   If you raise them as chicks and hold them a lot they grow up liking to be held.   When you get them a little older they just run away from people.  All animals have "personalities". If it makes you feel better there was one chicken we had that was such a jerk we hated her and all the other chickens did too.  She was a bully and would boss all the others around.  The other chickens eventually rebelled.  One morning we found Ofelia (that was her name) with no feathers, because all of the other chickens had plucked her nude overnight.  Then they started not letting her in the chicken house, there was always at least 2 chickens guarding the entrance 24/7 so that she couldn't get in.  She would go into the woods to sleep outside and we'd try to find her before dark and put her in the chicken house.  One day we couldn't find her and we never saw her again.

Jeez, a guy could starve to death.

http://www.eatplantsdrinkbeer.com/readup/2017/9/7/plants-have-feelings-too

Does anyone have an opinion on whether dirt is cute?
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on August 23, 2019, 11:26:27 AM
I'll just leave this here. I disagree that they are "as clever" as dogs, they are far more clever.

Goats are as loving and clever as dogs
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/07/06/goats-are-as-loving-and-clever-as-dogs-say-smitten-scientists/

Crap  :-\

Goats, cows & pigs are friggin' delicious but I couldn't eat a friend.

Might have to go to chicken only.

Please don't post a lovable chicken link.

Chickens are great!   Our chickens used to jump on our laps and follow us around.  One of them was so lovable my kids used to call her lovebird.   If you raise them as chicks and hold them a lot they grow up liking to be held.   When you get them a little older they just run away from people.  All animals have "personalities". If it makes you feel better there was one chicken we had that was such a jerk we hated her and all the other chickens did too.  She was a bully and would boss all the others around.  The other chickens eventually rebelled.  One morning we found Ofelia (that was her name) with no feathers, because all of the other chickens had plucked her nude overnight.  Then they started not letting her in the chicken house, there was always at least 2 chickens guarding the entrance 24/7 so that she couldn't get in.  She would go into the woods to sleep outside and we'd try to find her before dark and put her in the chicken house.  One day we couldn't find her and we never saw her again.

Jeez, a guy could starve to death.

http://www.eatplantsdrinkbeer.com/readup/2017/9/7/plants-have-feelings-too

Does anyone have an opinion on whether dirt is cute?

To live is to kill.

IKEA conducts bullying experiment on plants — the results are shocking
https://globalnews.ca/news/4217594/bully-a-plant-ikea/
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on August 23, 2019, 11:32:15 AM
I'll just leave this here. I disagree that they are "as clever" as dogs, they are far more clever.

Goats are as loving and clever as dogs
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/07/06/goats-are-as-loving-and-clever-as-dogs-say-smitten-scientists/

Crap  :-\

Goats, cows & pigs are friggin' delicious but I couldn't eat a friend.

Might have to go to chicken only.

Please don't post a lovable chicken link.

Chickens are great!   Our chickens used to jump on our laps and follow us around.  One of them was so lovable my kids used to call her lovebird.   If you raise them as chicks and hold them a lot they grow up liking to be held.   When you get them a little older they just run away from people.  All animals have "personalities". If it makes you feel better there was one chicken we had that was such a jerk we hated her and all the other chickens did too.  She was a bully and would boss all the others around.  The other chickens eventually rebelled.  One morning we found Ofelia (that was her name) with no feathers, because all of the other chickens had plucked her nude overnight.  Then they started not letting her in the chicken house, there was always at least 2 chickens guarding the entrance 24/7 so that she couldn't get in.  She would go into the woods to sleep outside and we'd try to find her before dark and put her in the chicken house.  One day we couldn't find her and we never saw her again.

Jeez, a guy could starve to death.

http://www.eatplantsdrinkbeer.com/readup/2017/9/7/plants-have-feelings-too

Does anyone have an opinion on whether dirt is cute?

To live is to kill.

IKEA conducts bullying experiment on plants — the results are shocking
https://globalnews.ca/news/4217594/bully-a-plant-ikea/

Screw it, I'm making bacon cheeseburgers tonight.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on August 23, 2019, 11:50:13 AM
I'll just leave this here. I disagree that they are "as clever" as dogs, they are far more clever.

Goats are as loving and clever as dogs
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/07/06/goats-are-as-loving-and-clever-as-dogs-say-smitten-scientists/

Crap  :-\

Goats, cows & pigs are friggin' delicious but I couldn't eat a friend.

Might have to go to chicken only.

Please don't post a lovable chicken link.

Chickens are great!   Our chickens used to jump on our laps and follow us around.  One of them was so lovable my kids used to call her lovebird.   If you raise them as chicks and hold them a lot they grow up liking to be held.   When you get them a little older they just run away from people.  All animals have "personalities". If it makes you feel better there was one chicken we had that was such a jerk we hated her and all the other chickens did too.  She was a bully and would boss all the others around.  The other chickens eventually rebelled.  One morning we found Ofelia (that was her name) with no feathers, because all of the other chickens had plucked her nude overnight.  Then they started not letting her in the chicken house, there was always at least 2 chickens guarding the entrance 24/7 so that she couldn't get in.  She would go into the woods to sleep outside and we'd try to find her before dark and put her in the chicken house.  One day we couldn't find her and we never saw her again.

Jeez, a guy could starve to death.

http://www.eatplantsdrinkbeer.com/readup/2017/9/7/plants-have-feelings-too

Does anyone have an opinion on whether dirt is cute?

To live is to kill.

IKEA conducts bullying experiment on plants — the results are shocking
https://globalnews.ca/news/4217594/bully-a-plant-ikea/

Screw it, I'm making bacon cheeseburgers tonight.

Me too!  Only I'm going to throw a fried egg on mine in memory of Ofelia .
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on August 23, 2019, 04:39:14 PM
I'll just leave this here. I disagree that they are "as clever" as dogs, they are far more clever.

Goats are as loving and clever as dogs
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/07/06/goats-are-as-loving-and-clever-as-dogs-say-smitten-scientists/

Crap  :-\

Goats, cows & pigs are friggin' delicious but I couldn't eat a friend.

Might have to go to chicken only.

Please don't post a lovable chicken link.

Chickens are great!   Our chickens used to jump on our laps and follow us around.  One of them was so lovable my kids used to call her lovebird.   If you raise them as chicks and hold them a lot they grow up liking to be held.   When you get them a little older they just run away from people.  All animals have "personalities". If it makes you feel better there was one chicken we had that was such a jerk we hated her and all the other chickens did too.  She was a bully and would boss all the others around.  The other chickens eventually rebelled.  One morning we found Ofelia (that was her name) with no feathers, because all of the other chickens had plucked her nude overnight.  Then they started not letting her in the chicken house, there was always at least 2 chickens guarding the entrance 24/7 so that she couldn't get in.  She would go into the woods to sleep outside and we'd try to find her before dark and put her in the chicken house.  One day we couldn't find her and we never saw her again.

Jeez, a guy could starve to death.

http://www.eatplantsdrinkbeer.com/readup/2017/9/7/plants-have-feelings-too

Does anyone have an opinion on whether dirt is cute?

To live is to kill.

IKEA conducts bullying experiment on plants — the results are shocking
https://globalnews.ca/news/4217594/bully-a-plant-ikea/

Screw it, I'm making bacon cheeseburgers tonight.

Me too!  Only I'm going to throw a fried egg on mine in memory of Ofelia .

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Spekulatius on August 25, 2019, 09:32:26 AM
Some people like their thuna with a bit dolphin meat mixed in.

Quote
If it makes you feel better there was one chicken we had that was such a jerk we hated her and all the other chickens did too.  She was a bully and would boss all the others around.

Jerky chicken is great.

I had some persistent coldcaller a while ago who  wanted to drum up some funding for animal rights. Nothing really wrong with this, but I hate persistent cold calls. She asked me if I liked animals or not. I told her, it depend on how they taste like. That was the last cold call I got from her.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on August 26, 2019, 06:59:32 AM
Some people like their thuna with a bit dolphin meat mixed in.

Quote
If it makes you feel better there was one chicken we had that was such a jerk we hated her and all the other chickens did too.  She was a bully and would boss all the others around.

Jerky chicken is great.

I had some persistent coldcaller a while ago who  wanted to drum up some funding for animal rights. Nothing really wrong with this, but I hate persistent cold calls. She asked me if I liked animals or not. I told her, it depend on how they taste like. That was the last cold call I got from her.

I love animals.  Just about anything taste good on the grill.

I always wanted to tell a Jehovah Witness when they come to my door that I worship the Dark Lord Satan, but they are always so friendly I can never bring myself to do it.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on August 26, 2019, 07:12:52 AM
Some people like their thuna with a bit dolphin meat mixed in.

Quote
If it makes you feel better there was one chicken we had that was such a jerk we hated her and all the other chickens did too.  She was a bully and would boss all the others around.

Jerky chicken is great.

I had some persistent coldcaller a while ago who  wanted to drum up some funding for animal rights. Nothing really wrong with this, but I hate persistent cold calls. She asked me if I liked animals or not. I told her, it depend on how they taste like. That was the last cold call I got from her.

I love animals.  Just about anything taste good on the grill.

I always wanted to tell a Jehovah Witness when they come to my door that I worship the Dark Lord Satan, but they are always so friendly I can never bring myself to do it.

I tell them I'm Catholic, which is the same thing I tell evangelicals.

I get evangelicals in my neighborhood A LOT & the look of pity on their faces when I say this is priceless.

They may have my house targeted because of this.

 :D
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on August 26, 2019, 08:40:48 AM
Some people like their thuna with a bit dolphin meat mixed in.

Quote
If it makes you feel better there was one chicken we had that was such a jerk we hated her and all the other chickens did too.  She was a bully and would boss all the others around.

Jerky chicken is great.

I had some persistent coldcaller a while ago who  wanted to drum up some funding for animal rights. Nothing really wrong with this, but I hate persistent cold calls. She asked me if I liked animals or not. I told her, it depend on how they taste like. That was the last cold call I got from her.

I love animals.  Just about anything taste good on the grill.

I always wanted to tell a Jehovah Witness when they come to my door that I worship the Dark Lord Satan, but they are always so friendly I can never bring myself to do it.

I tell them I'm Catholic, which is the same thing I tell evangelicals.

I get evangelicals in my neighborhood A LOT & the look of pity on their faces when I say this is priceless.

They may have my house targeted because of this.
^^^

Yeah, that's the opposite of what I'm going for.  That's why I never mention that I'm an atheist.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on August 26, 2019, 10:39:17 AM
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm Mr. Trudeau. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Trudeau Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Liberals," answered Suzy with a smile.

Trudeau was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that  Mr. Trudeau should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS,"  when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from CBC, CTV,  and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up,  then Trudeau got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell  all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're  giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're CONSERVATIVES."

Taken by surprise, Mr. Trudeau stammered,  "But... but.... yesterday, you told me they were LIBERALS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes opened."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Jurgis on August 26, 2019, 10:48:42 AM
Time to move this thread to politics section?
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Midas79 on August 26, 2019, 12:13:24 PM
Time to move this thread to politics section?

Maybe. The joke is just as funny (as in, not really funny at all), albeit to the other large segment of the population, when the words "liberals" and "conservatives" are switched and Mr. Trudeau is replaced by Mr. Trump.

There has to be a joke here somewhere about the liberal kittens having only their left eye open and the conservatives only their right, but I can't seem to make it work.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on August 26, 2019, 12:26:39 PM
Time to move this thread to politics section?

Maybe. The joke is just as funny (as in, not really funny at all), albeit to the other large segment of the population, when the words "liberals" and "conservatives" are switched and Mr. Trudeau is replaced by Mr. Trump.

There has to be a joke here somewhere about the liberal kittens having only their left eye open and the conservatives only their right, but I can't seem to make it work.

It does seem to be one of those jokes that you can just plug in your own people or ideologies and it would be found to be funny by people who agree with you.  I could see communists plugging in capitalists for liberal and communist for conservative and sharing it with their comrades.   I could plug in "statist" for liberal and "anarchist" for conservative, share it on facebook and I'd get ton of likes from my anarchist friends.   

Reminds of of Michael Malice (author of "Dear Reader") who says that one thing he learned visiting North Korea is that you can take any ethnic joke and plug in "Japanese" as the target ethnicity and you will be the funniest guy in the room anywhere in the country.  They all hate the Japanese and they have never been exposed to ethnic jokes.   "How do you sink the Japanese navy?  Put it in the water."   
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: boilermaker75 on August 26, 2019, 12:44:00 PM
Time to move this thread to politics section?

Maybe. The joke is just as funny (as in, not really funny at all), albeit to the other large segment of the population, when the words "liberals" and "conservatives" are switched and Mr. Trudeau is replaced by Mr. Trump.

There has to be a joke here somewhere about the liberal kittens having only their left eye open and the conservatives only their right, but I can't seem to make it work.

It does seem to be one of those jokes that you can just plug in your own people or ideologies and it would be found to be funny by people who agree with you.  I could see communists plugging in capitalists for liberal and communist for conservative and sharing it with their comrades.   I could plug in "statist" for liberal and "anarchist" for conservative, share it on facebook and I'd get ton of likes from my anarchist friends.   

Reminds of of Michael Malice (author of "Dear Reader") who says that one thing he learning visiting North Korea is that you can take any ethnic joke and plug in "Japanese" as the target ethnicity and you will be the funniest guy in the country.  They all hate the Japanese and they have never been exposed to ethnic jokes.   "How do you sink the Japanese navy?  Put it in the water."

I have a friend in Canada who sends me jokes all the time. I know there are a lot of Canadians on here, why I posted it. I didn't mean to make a statement, more TIC. I am not a conservative or a liberal. As soon as you start labeling yourself that way self-regulation to prevent cognitive dissonance replaces thinking.

Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: SharperDingaan on August 26, 2019, 12:59:43 PM
Per the UK's 'Time Team' program; after having dug to a depth of 10 feet in the UK last year....
"British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago."

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet in the US, and shortly after, a story was published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the Herald newspaper in Harare, Zimbabwe; reported the following ...
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Manius Dube a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Manius has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago - Africa had already gone wireless!"

Reality is all in the eyes of the believer.

SD
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: SharperDingaan on August 26, 2019, 01:25:54 PM
Do not argue with a fool because he will drag you down to his level and then beat you with experience.

Be careful of the man who stays calm and smiles in a crisis for he has already found someone to put the fault on  ;)

SD
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on August 26, 2019, 01:48:36 PM
To me, in short, we need to let this angle to jokes [opinion & confrontation] [the way well-intentioned-[no-harm-meant- to-anyone] jokes] here on CoBF - in this topic - go no matter who's the reader, no matter who's the poster.

Take it easy, and stay cool [no matter what : If you arent't taking it  easy or staying cool, stay cool anyway!]]
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on August 26, 2019, 03:02:11 PM
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner.

While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" asked the startled man of the cloth, "are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

---

A rancher named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde, "didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite goat, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road... "

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite goat, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite goat, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said 'How are you feeling?'

"Now, what the hell would you say?"

---

and finally,

---

A goat walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.

The bartender, amazed that this goat can actually talk, gives him a beer.

The goat says, "what do I owe you?"

The bartender stops and thinks for a moment, "even though this goat is smart he probably hasn't been in many bars." So the bartender says, "that'll be ten dollars."

The goat forks over the money and starts drinking his beer.

After a few minutes, the bartender can't restrain his curiosity, so he walks back over to the goat and tries to strike up a conversation. "You know, we don't get many goats in this bar."

The goat looks up from his beer and says, "well, at ten bucks a beer, I'm not surprised."

---

If I was still a Catholic, I'd have to go to confession for this post.

There is no god to punish me for telling crappy jokes.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: cubsfan on August 26, 2019, 03:48:25 PM
Those goat jokes were hilarious
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on August 26, 2019, 04:25:27 PM
Those goat jokes were hilarious

Thanks.

Here's 2 better ones you might have missed.

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
He asks "What for?"
She replies "I want to kill my husband."
He says "Sorry, I can't give you that."
She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.
He looks at it closely and says, "Well, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that he would get withdrawal symptoms if he didn't play. One Yom Kippur the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser, and I'll be back in time for services."

Sure enough, at the end of the morning service, the rabbi snuck out of the synagogue and headed straight for the golf course. Looking down upon the scene were Moses and God. Moses said, "Look how terrible -- a Jew out here alone on Yom Kippur. And even worse! A rabbi!"

God replied "Watch. I'm going to teach him a lesson."

The rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it careened off a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole for a hole in one!

Seeing all this, Moses protested. "God, is this how you're going to teach him a lesson? He got a hole in one!"

"Sure," said God, "but who's he going to tell?"
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on September 05, 2019, 08:36:45 AM
How to use "and" 5 times in a row grammatically:

A man owned a store called "This And That" and he hired another man to make a sign for it.  When it was finished the owner inspected the work only to discover that the spaces were wrong so he called the sign maker and said:

"The spaces between This and And and And and That are different. Please fix it."
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on September 13, 2019, 06:07:56 AM
In other news, Canada finally apologizes for Ted Cruz.

https://twitter.com/brittlestar/status/1162332289373810688?s=20
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on September 13, 2019, 06:40:28 AM
In other news, Canada finally apologizes for Ted Cruz.
https://twitter.com/brittlestar/status/1162332289373810688?s=20

I hear Dildo is really nice this time of year.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on September 13, 2019, 07:50:59 AM
In other news, Canada finally apologizes for Ted Cruz.
https://twitter.com/brittlestar/status/1162332289373810688?s=20

I hear Dildo is really nice this time of year.

A lot of people pushing to get in there.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: LC on September 13, 2019, 08:31:05 AM
In other news, Canada finally apologizes for Ted Cruz.
https://twitter.com/brittlestar/status/1162332289373810688?s=20

I hear Dildo is really nice this time of year.

A lot of people pushing to get in there.
It's a great place to relax, sit down, and watch the world go bi
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Jurgis on September 19, 2019, 11:05:39 AM
One CoBF member has this in their signature:

Quote
If it's important, do it every day. If it's not important, don't do it at all.  -Dan Gable

I wonder what Dan Gable thinks about colonoscopy.  ::)
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on September 19, 2019, 03:42:23 PM
One CoBF member has this in their signature:

Quote
If it's important, do it every day. If it's not important, don't do it at all.  -Dan Gable

I wonder what Dan Gable thinks about colonoscopy.  ::)

Probably should read:

If it's important, do it now. If you enjoy it, do it often. If it's not important & you don't enjoy it, don't do it at all.

I'd put colonoscopies in the "unimportant & unenjoyable" column.

I'll probably die of ass cancer.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on October 31, 2019, 12:23:12 PM
-More goat talk :


CNN [October 31st 2019] : Fire crews, air drops and a herd of goats help save Reagan Presidential Library from wildfire (https://edition.cnn.com/2019/10/30/us/california-easy-fire-reagan-presidential-library-simi-valley/index.html?utm_term=link&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twCNN&utm_content=2019-10-31T18%3A40%3A05).
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on October 31, 2019, 12:32:11 PM
-More goat talk :

CNN [October 31st 2019] : Fire crews, air drops and a herd of goats help save Reagan Presidential Library from wildfire (https://edition.cnn.com/2019/10/30/us/california-easy-fire-reagan-presidential-library-simi-valley/index.html?utm_term=link&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twCNN&utm_content=2019-10-31T18%3A40%3A05).

I'm sure "a hungry herd of as many as 500 goats" can clear a lot of land!
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on October 31, 2019, 12:56:14 PM
-More goat talk :

CNN [October 31st 2019] : Fire crews, air drops and a herd of goats help save Reagan Presidential Library from wildfire (https://edition.cnn.com/2019/10/30/us/california-easy-fire-reagan-presidential-library-simi-valley/index.html?utm_term=link&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twCNN&utm_content=2019-10-31T18%3A40%3A05).

I'm sure "a hungry herd of as many as 500 goats" can clear a lot of land!

Yes, the story is to me fascinating, because the approach to help solve the issue at hand is so simple! -And then there is also more to tuck for the goats when they "come home" after "task accomplished"!
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Cigarbutt on October 31, 2019, 02:42:47 PM
-More goat talk :

CNN [October 31st 2019] : Fire crews, air drops and a herd of goats help save Reagan Presidential Library from wildfire (https://edition.cnn.com/2019/10/30/us/california-easy-fire-reagan-presidential-library-simi-valley/index.html?utm_term=link&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twCNN&utm_content=2019-10-31T18%3A40%3A05).

I'm sure "a hungry herd of as many as 500 goats" can clear a lot of land!

Yes, the story is to me fascinating, because the approach to help solve the issue at hand is so simple! -And then there is also more to tuck for the goats when they "come home" after "task accomplished"!
Please disregard unless the fascination is real.
I've been studying the California bush for a while and, in fact, {if I can eventually convince my wife} would love to move to California one day. A new argument now is that I could become a goat renter or herder in order to facilitate Mr. Buffett's acquisition related to the concept that Californians deserve a better electricity utility. But that's another story. :)

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/using-goats-to-prevent-wildfires-51327045/
Laguna {cool place where Mr. Buffett used to have his second home}'s Mike Phillips said that just three things contribute to wildland fires. "Fuel loads, topography and weather." He paused, then smiled. "We can't change the topography, and we can't do anything about the weather{or human nature?}. The only variable to reduce is the fuel load. That's what goats do for us."
https://www.sierraclub.org/sierra/demand-for-grazing-goats-growing-wildfire
https://baynature.org/article/fire-goats/
Even my alma mater suggests to fight the fire by eating the fuel:
https://www.mcgill.ca/oss/article/did-you-know-environment/goats-might-be-secret-tool-weve-been-looking-prevent-wildfires

Obviously goats are only part of the multi-pronged answer but it's an example that helps to reconcile downside protection and optimism related to human ingenuity, all in harmony {at least to the extent possible} with nature.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on November 01, 2019, 01:28:40 AM
Thank you for a hilarius post, Cigarbutt! [ : - D]

Personally I'm not sure goats would be a perfect fit for you to herd. Naturally they would be susceptible to your eternal patience with your surroundings, but would the goats exploit it? [ : - ) ] Furthermore, I don't think goats would respond to your expectations and standards with regard explanation and reason, semi-jerky as they are, according to rkbabang. [ : - ) ]

The last sentence in your post is definitely a keeper!
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: Cigarbutt on November 01, 2019, 05:14:19 AM
Personally I'm not sure goats would be a perfect fit...
But isn't life a series of compromises?
Take for instance (there will be a link with goats and the environment :) ), Bernard Arnault. The products offered (and potential associated returns) make us dream...But isn't there a need to reconcile instinctual desires with down-to-earth realities?
Anyways, I thought you'd appreciate the following link, which you may have missed and which explores some of the subtle intricacies of the wolf in the cashmere coat's personality.
https://www.forbes.com/sites/susanadams/2019/10/31/the-100-billion-man-how-bernard-arnault-stitched-together-the-worlds-third-biggest-fortune-with-louis-vuitton-dior-and-77-other-brandsand-why-hes-not-done-yet/?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email#7a5eff834efb
"Arnault and ten LVMH brand chiefs took turns on a brightly lit stage reciting their commitments to environmental stewardship, their presentations interspersed with slickly produced videos of models strutting down catwalks and cashmere goats frolicking on the Mongolian steppes." (my bold)

To keep a reasonable balance between pleasure and guilt and because of recent concerns raised on this Board which may have been hurt by videos showing models frolicking, I include here a link describing an uncomfortable environmental side effect. :)
https://www.sciencemag.org/news/2019/01/exploding-demand-cashmere-wool-ruining-mongolia-s-grasslands

Apparently some people have difficulty pronouncing the word "Vuitton". It sounds very bizarre at times especially in presidential mouths.
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: DooDiligence on November 01, 2019, 09:25:06 AM
Personally I'm not sure goats would be a perfect fit...
But isn't life a series of compromises?
Take for instance (there will be a link with goats and the environment :) ), Bernard Arnault. The products offered (and potential associated returns) make us dream...But isn't there a need to reconcile instinctual desires with down-to-earth realities?
Anyways, I thought you'd appreciate the following link, which you may have missed and which explores some of the subtle intricacies of the wolf in the cashmere coat's personality.
https://www.forbes.com/sites/susanadams/2019/10/31/the-100-billion-man-how-bernard-arnault-stitched-together-the-worlds-third-biggest-fortune-with-louis-vuitton-dior-and-77-other-brandsand-why-hes-not-done-yet/?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email#7a5eff834efb
"Arnault and ten LVMH brand chiefs took turns on a brightly lit stage reciting their commitments to environmental stewardship, their presentations interspersed with slickly produced videos of models strutting down catwalks and cashmere goats frolicking on the Mongolian steppes." (my bold)

To keep a reasonable balance between pleasure and guilt and because of recent concerns raised on this Board which may have been hurt by videos showing models frolicking, I include here a link describing an uncomfortable environmental side effect. :)
https://www.sciencemag.org/news/2019/01/exploding-demand-cashmere-wool-ruining-mongolia-s-grasslands

Apparently some people have difficulty pronouncing the word "Vuitton". It sounds very bizarre at times especially in presidential mouths.

Oh, let the sun beat down upon my face
Stars fill my dream
I'm a traveler of both time and space
To be where I have been
Sit with elders of the gentle race
This world has seldom seen
They talk of days for which they sit and wait
All will be revealed

Talk in song in tongues of lilting grace
Sounds caress my ear
There are not a word I heard could I relate
Story was quite clear

All I see turns to brown
As the sun burns the ground
And my eyes fill with sand
As I scan this wasted land
Try to find, try to find what I feel

Oh, pilot of the storm who leaves no trace
Like thoughts inside a dream
Heed the path that led me to that place, yellow desert stream
My Shangri-La beneath the summer moon, I will return again
Sure as the dust that floats high in June, when movin' through Kashmir

Oh, father of the four winds, fill my sails, across the sea of years
With no provision but an open face, along the straits of fear.

(the song was not even written in or about Kashmir, but the lyrics kind of fit.)

---

Interesting that Arnault wanted to be a concert pianist.
I watched his son play a Chopin concerto

https://youtu.be/R57MZf4B3-c
(skip to minute 3 if you want to get straight into the piano)

He definitely has the articulation down, but he's all forte & mezzo forte, and lacks the nuance of a player who has world class dynamic control, like the chick in the next link.

https://youtu.be/lBeIPp3F5d8

I say this as if I'd ever be able to play this piece even as well as Arnault (not.)

---

edit:

Before proclaiming his vision for his conglomerate, he catches himself. “In a way, I should not say that, because you may think I am pretentious,” he says. But then he lets loose: “[LVMH] is a French monument. Because it represents France all over the world. People know better the name of Louis Vuitton, Christian Dior, Dom Pérignon, Cheval Blanc, than anything else. Maybe they know also Napoleon? General de Gaulle? We think it’s important that this group, for the long term, is controlled by a French family.”

[Jeez, pretentious much?]

[And out of the entire universe, he chose Trump to do ribbon cuttings on 2 new stores?]

[the king of garishness & heir apparent to the role of Louis XVI]

      :o

[[[Really?]]]
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on November 04, 2019, 11:56:40 AM
https://www.facebook.com/727112640965912/posts/925646951112479?vh=e&sfns=mo
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: John Hjorth on November 07, 2019, 02:04:20 PM
Earlier today longinvestor posted this :

I got ahead of myself by a year. My bad! To wash off the single year pendulum swing in 2010, the ten year clock ends 12/31/2020. Duh. ...

- - - o 0 o - - -

Earlier today I read this :

From : Wells Fargo Newsroom
E-mail topic title : "Last call for ordering of fresh ducks [ : - ) ]"

I thought : "What the ....?"

Next : Careful & in depth analysis of what I was actually reading : It turned out I wasn't reading totally horisontal on my e-mail monitor - the e-mail was not from Wells Fargo Newsroom, but from nemlig.com. [A Danish "Amazon" for food.]
Next : Careful & in depth analysis why I wasn't reading straight horisontal : I had forgotten in the morning to polish my glasses for "monitor work".

- - - o 0 o - - -

Sh*te happens all the time ... - what really matters is if any harm is done!
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: undervalued on November 08, 2019, 07:02:50 AM
I am on my mobile phone and looking through to see if there is a WeWork thread but I found this one first...

 https://fortune.com/2019/11/07/softbank-wework-earnings-deck/ (https://fortune.com/2019/11/07/softbank-wework-earnings-deck/)

Presentation on Softbank site
 https://cdn.group.softbank/en/corp/set/data/irinfo/presentations/results/pdf/2019/softbank_presentation_2019_002.pdf (https://cdn.group.softbank/en/corp/set/data/irinfo/presentations/results/pdf/2019/softbank_presentation_2019_002.pdf)
Title: Re: I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.
Post by: rkbabang on November 08, 2019, 08:34:14 AM
I am on my mobile phone and looking through to see if there is a WeWork thread but I found this one first...

 https://fortune.com/2019/11/07/softbank-wework-earnings-deck/ (https://fortune.com/2019/11/07/softbank-wework-earnings-deck/)

Presentation on Softbank site
 https://cdn.group.softbank/en/corp/set/data/irinfo/presentations/results/pdf/2019/softbank_presentation_2019_002.pdf (https://cdn.group.softbank/en/corp/set/data/irinfo/presentations/results/pdf/2019/softbank_presentation_2019_002.pdf)

Did Softbank hire someone from The Onion to produce their slides?   That was great.